Open Letter to God:
God,
You are so amazing and wonderful! I don't know where to begin or how to thank you.
Life. Is. Good.
My depression is either gone or at least into a long term remission, WITHOUT medication. My anxiety is under control WITHOUT medication. I have learned to talk my way through it with you. I do my best to not panic under it. I have accepted my life as it is. My past is that, my past. I cannot change it nor do I really want to anymore. My past has made me who I am but it does not define who I am. I am no longer the scared little girl in my house who is afraid to say what my feelings are but I am cautious about it. I am no longer the young woman who went searching for love in the arms of any man who would show me what I thought was love. I look for love in You! I know I am loved and I have no fear of being rejected by you. I am no longer the woman who felt like she must stay in a relationship so that her children would be able to say they have both parents in their lives. I am now a woman who is beginning to experience life again with someone who is an answer to many prayers.
God thank you for Kevin. Thank you for the slow meeting that has taken place. The months of brief chatting online, the few dates that were full of conversation. The Sunday afternoon and evening we were able to spend together just hanging out. God there have been so many conversations since then and I thank you for my ability to share my thoughts and feelings. I feel alive again and honestly these feelings overwhelm me. As I told Roni today in an email. There is so much I want to share with him, say to him, discuss with him. I'm not afraid to tell him my thoughts and feelings. I am comfortable with him. I know I do not know him well yet but I am enjoying getting to know him. I want to let him get to know me. My prayer of finding a godly man who loves You more than anything else and is NOT afraid to say so has come true! Someone who will love me and respect me and my love for You! Someone who wants to live his life right but is not afraid to say he screwed up!
God, I have a concern. I'm not panicked by it, I'm not anxious about it. I'm just concerned with my own ability to maintain my composure. I want to have a conversation with Kevin about sex. More importantly, I want him to know and understand that I have made a decision for myself that I do not want to have sex before I get married again. That has been so very easy to live by when I've not dated anyone, I've not even kissed anyone for so many years. He has opened a box that had been sealed shut and my hormones are alive! I do NOT want a relationship based on sex. I want a relationship focused on You. I want a relationship full of love and respect. I believe I can find that in Kevin. I want a relationship where the level of intimacy is so deep without sex even being involved. Sex will just mask things, make things different and will stop all growth together. I want sex to be the icing on the cake! The awesome surprise that God has in store for us!
I cannot keep a handle on my hormones alone. I won't lie, I want to have sex because I'm human, I'm a woman, I miss it, and I like it! I will have to call on You ALL the time to help me get through it. I will need Kevin to help me stay on this path, I think he will respect my wishes and I think he will work with me. I believe, he cares about what is important to me. If he doesn't then he is not the one You have planned for me. But, Lord, I need help with this!
I do not want a relationship where I am afraid to say what I'm thinking about. I want to have a relationship where we can discuss all things good, bad, or ugly. I want to have a relationship that will grow together in you, will pray together, will serve You together, will laugh and play together. God I want so desperately to worship You together.
I am no longer just surviving in this life. I am now living and enjoying every minute!
