I am so ...!

I am so amazed that God loves me this much!

I am so amazed that God has given me so many things that I do not deserve!

I am so amazed that God has restored my ability to love another!

I am so amazed that I was willing to let God work in my life!

I am so amazed that I can say those three little words, I LOVE YOU, that have scared me for so long!

I am so very thankful for the opportunities that God has given me!

I am so thankful for Kevin and his love for me!

I am thankful for the two children that God has blessed me with!

I am looking forward to my life ahead!

I am praying that Kevin will be in my life for a very long time!

I am in love with a wonderful man that God placed into my life at the exact moment I needed!

Hmmmm, Thank you God just isn't enough!

Open Letter to God:

God,
You are so amazing and wonderful! I don't know where to begin or how to thank you.

Life. Is. Good.

My depression is either gone or at least into a long term remission, WITHOUT medication. My anxiety is under control WITHOUT medication. I have learned to talk my way through it with you. I do my best to not panic under it. I have accepted my life as it is. My past is that, my past. I cannot change it nor do I really want to anymore. My past has made me who I am but it does not define who I am. I am no longer the scared little girl in my house who is afraid to say what my feelings are but I am cautious about it. I am no longer the young woman who went searching for love in the arms of any man who would show me what I thought was love. I look for love in You! I know I am loved and I have no fear of being rejected by you. I am no longer the woman who felt like she must stay in a relationship so that her children would be able to say they have both parents in their lives. I am now a woman who is beginning to experience life again with someone who is an answer to many prayers.

God thank you for Kevin. Thank you for the slow meeting that has taken place. The months of brief chatting online, the few dates that were full of conversation. The Sunday afternoon and evening we were able to spend together just hanging out. God there have been so many conversations since then and I thank you for my ability to share my thoughts and feelings. I feel alive again and honestly these feelings overwhelm me. As I told Roni today in an email. There is so much I want to share with him, say to him, discuss with him. I'm not afraid to tell him my thoughts and feelings. I am comfortable with him. I know I do not know him well yet but I am enjoying getting to know him. I want to let him get to know me. My prayer of finding a godly man who loves You more than anything else and is NOT afraid to say so has come true! Someone who will love me and respect me and my love for You! Someone who wants to live his life right but is not afraid to say he screwed up!

God, I have a concern. I'm not panicked by it, I'm not anxious about it. I'm just concerned with my own ability to maintain my composure. I want to have a conversation with Kevin about sex. More importantly, I want him to know and understand that I have made a decision for myself that I do not want to have sex before I get married again. That has been so very easy to live by when I've not dated anyone, I've not even  kissed anyone for so many years. He has opened a box that had been sealed shut and my hormones are alive! I do NOT want a relationship based on sex. I want a relationship focused on You. I want a relationship full of love and respect. I believe I can find that in Kevin. I want a relationship where the level of intimacy is so deep without sex even being involved. Sex will just mask things, make things different and will stop all growth together. I want sex to be the icing on the cake! The awesome surprise that God has in store for us!

I cannot keep a handle on my hormones alone. I won't lie, I want to have sex because I'm human, I'm a woman, I miss it, and I like it!  I will have to call on You ALL the time to help me get through it. I will need Kevin to help me stay on this path, I think he will respect my wishes and I think he will work with me. I believe, he cares about what is important to me. If he doesn't then he is not the one You have planned for me.  But, Lord, I need help with this!

I do not want a relationship where I am afraid to say what I'm thinking about. I want to have a relationship where we can discuss all things good, bad, or ugly. I want to have a relationship that will grow together in you, will pray together, will serve You together, will laugh and play together. God I want so desperately to worship You together. 

I am no longer just surviving in this life. I am now living and enjoying every minute!

Where do you need me to be God?

Where are you God?

What is the plan LORD?

Where do you need me to be God?

So much has happened in my life in the past 4 years since I really began walking down that path toward you. It has been 4 years but some days it feels like it was just yesterday that I wrote on the communication card “please pray, I have issues.” I remember that day so well. I remember wanting to chase down my card out of the basket and pull it out after I let it go.  I remember the fear inside of me because I had just done the unthinkable. I let someone know that life at home was not good. At least in my mind that is what just happened. All it said was “I” had issues, there was nothing said about home.

God you knew what was about to take place because you orchestrated it all! You took someone who I noticed 2 ½ years prior, someone who I only knew in passing as someone very pleasant and full of love for you. You brought her into my life through the use of this communication card. You were going to use Roni to bring me back to you. I was so incredibly lost and alone. I was so scared and intimidated. I thought I could fix it all on my own but that day in January 2008, there was something inside of me that made me realize I could not do it. Not by myself. There was a small part of me that knew I needed you and I thought that if I told David to pray for me I would feel better knowing someone knew ‘something’ even though I didn’t really say anything. You knew who I needed.

It’s been 4 years ago this week since that first call from Roni. I can almost hear her message in my mind. I remember standing at the counter listening. I remember the panic I felt because what if Eric had listened to the messages? What would he say to me? How much worse would it get if he knew I said anything at all? I remember going to the church website to get her email address so I could tell her thanks for calling but don’t call home again. I had no idea she would return the email and I was afraid to run into her at church because I didn’t know what she would say to me. I was afraid to be confronted.

Thank you God for choosing Roni to pray for me when she saw my request. I can’t even begin to think about where I would be today if she would not have called me. Thank you God, for pushing me to contact her again, a few months later. I wanted to get to know her better but I really didn’t understand why. 

So many things have happened since then that make me just shake my head. I have come so far from that Sunday in January and I know it’s all because of you. I remember sitting in Panera Bread on Colerain in April 2008 waiting on Roni to show up. She told me ahead of time that what we talked about was up to me. I had no intent of telling her my life story that day. But as I have said before, you were sitting there too and you knew that would be a life changing conversation for me. I remember telling her my story could keep Jerry Springer on the air without any re-runs for many years! I just knew I was the only one with a story like mine. No one else could have as much dysfunction in their life as I had in mine. When I left there and she gave me a hug, I knew ‘my secrets’ were safe with her. I felt about 10 pounds lighter that afternoon even though I was in shock that I had just told her so much stuff about me. She didn’t make me feel like a freak for being so dysfunctional.

Today, I feel like that part of my life that was so secretive to me back then doesn’t belong to me any longer. It’s as if it’s someone else’s story. I no longer look back on my life and wish it were different. It is what it is, the past. Unchangeable. It was a different lifetime. Before I knew you God. It’s strange to me that I can now truly differentiate the two lives. Before I knew you and after I came back you. I can look back now and I can see where you were back then. Growing up you was always near me. You put us 2 doors down from the Howard’s because they would look out for us and took me to church. I remember loving you then. I remember having so much fun in church for a few years. You showed me love from a family who really cared. You watched over me on so many occasions.

My teen to early twenty years I felt alone in so many ways. I wish now I would have stayed close to you but I realize I can never go back and change anything. I don’t believe it was part of your plan for me to wander so far away from you. That was my own choice.  However, I do believe that you knew I would come back. You were with me all along, keeping me safe, so many many times. I would acknowledge you mostly in anger when I blamed you for all the bad things that happened to me. I remember blaming you when I had my miscarriage and I truly could not understand why you would take my child from me when I wanted a child so badly. I needed someone to love and someone to love me unconditionally and I thought I had finally found that with this unborn child. It took me many many years to overcome that and realize that my life would have taken a much different road if I would have had that child. That time was my first true battle with depression.

This past year has been interesting to me. I look back over the past 12-14 months and I see so much growth in me. I do not need to write Roni every time something in my world is shaken. Well, maybe I do still write her each time I am rattled by something but those things are not happening multiple times a day! I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone so many times this year that it boggles my mind. And I stepped out without Roni standing beside me but the only time I thought she wasn’t there was with the Not a Fan testimony. It didn’t occur to me that she wasn’t beside me the other times. I’m not sure why I didn’t recognize that with the others. I guess because she was close enough for me to be comfortable, but that doesn’t make sense since she was not in Joplin with me! My anxiety is not gone but it is under control without medications and does not control me. My depression is gone even though I do have moments of sadness. It doesn’t paralyze me any longer. I have determination and drive again. I feel like smiling and no longer want to climb into a hole never to surface again! I am interested in living life again and not watching it pass me by like it did for years. I am no longer just simply surviving this life. I am participating again.

I do feel like something is missing from my life. I am happy to be where I am in my life right now but God; I want to be a part of someone’s life. I want someone to be a part of my life. I feel like I am finally ready to share my life with someone again. I see my friends around me and I am surrounded by people who have loving, respectful marriages centered on you. Something I never saw growing up or when I was married. I love looking around and seeing my friends and even those people I do not know worshiping together. I love hearing them talk to one another and wish I could be a fly on the wall in their home to see how things function on a day to day basis. How do they make their marriages work? How do they communicate when no one is around? How do they include you in their daily lives? Most of these people have been married 20 years or longer and I understand it’s not all peaches and cream. They have had struggles, may still have struggles, and didn’t get to this point in their marriages overnight. It’s how they got through all those struggles that I am interested in learning about but I want to learn those things with the right man in my life. So we can learn together. I want to share my life with a man who wants to know about me and why I am the way I am. I want to know about the man I am with too. I want to be the person he comes to with problems, issues, concerns, and successes. I want to pray with him every day. I want to learn about you together with him. I want to work for you with him. I know this exists God. I see it in my friends. I have to believe they did not take the last few good men! There is someone out there for me and you know who he is and where he is.

I miss being touched God. It’s not just sex. I miss being touched on the arm. I miss having his arm around my shoulder or my waist. His hand on the small of my back just letting me know that he is beside me. I miss being kissed just because he passed me by. I do not want to be touched and kissed because it means sex is to follow. I don’t want that. I just want affection, intimacy, and tenderness just because I am special to him. It doesn’t have to lead to anything else. In my mind I know this can happen but I also know me, or at least who I used to be. I didn’t live like this before. Everything always ended with sex, I didn’t stop it. I do wonder sometimes if maybe I’ve not met anyone yet because I am not ready for this in my life. I might think I am but you of course know me better. Maybe I’m truly not ready for this type of life yet. Yes, I miss sex. I would love to make love with a man who truly loves me but I know that cannot happen until I get married again. That is what I want for me. That is what I want to teach my daughter and my son. This is what is right in your eyes. I have so much to learn between now and this happening again in my life and I wonder if it’s easier for me to learn if I am not in a relationship. For now, I will keep waiting for you God to point me in the right direction. I know you have a plan for me. I will keep praying that you will put the right man in my life at the right time. I will keep praying for that man to want the same things in a relationship as I do. I will keep praying that you will show me what needs to change in me and where I need to grow before I get into a relationship with a man so that I do not make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past.

More than any touching, intimacy, affection, or sex, I want to hear the words I love you spoken to me from the man in my life. I want to believe them to be true without a shred of doubt in my heart. I want to be able to say them back to him with the same conviction so that he knows without a doubt I mean each and every word.

I know this is not too big God to handle. He will make it happen if it is in his plan for my life. I do not believe his plan is for me to be alone the rest of my life and in time he will give me so much more than I can imagine right now.

A Good Goodbye

I finished out my appointments with Dr. L. It was so very hard to keep going into her office and seeing things disappear. I had grown accustomed to the bookcases and could find books easily that I had burned holes in with my eyes to keep from retreating into my cave. The four chairs and electric fireplace with the pictures on top. Each week as things started to leave the office made it more real that she was leaving. I had tried to ignore that little fact. I wanted to just go on as if it wasn't happening because goodbyes hurt. People always left my life it seemed. So if I didn't think about it then I wouldn't get engaged in it and it wouldn't hurt! She and I had yet to talk about her move but finally in the last 3 weeks we did. She started to tell me about her new job waiting for her. She would tell me about the things she was looking forward to doing when she got there such as hiking and eventually writing a book about her practice. I wondered if I would make in the book as the most introverted human being she had experienced! After talking for a bit about her move to Alaska I would change the subject. She would ask why and I told her I don't like goodbyes, they are never good. She said that maybe this was God's way of showing me a 'good' goodbye because they can happen. Its not always because someone walks out of your life because of something bad. People grow and people change and therefore people may leave to go after their dreams, they may get married and go with their husbands, etc. I couldn't feel it, I refused to feel the emotions of her leaving while I was in the office with her but she could read them on my face and in my body language. She knew that I was really struggling to stay in the moment with her when all I really wanted to do was run screaming out of the office into my cave and ignore that she was leaving.

Our last meeting was the Wednesday the evening before Thanksgiving. She looked at me and asked me if I was really in the office with her or was I in my cave. I told her I was in the cave. She asked me to come out to try and enjoy our last hour together. Good goodbyes are that they are good. They are bittersweet and its OK to feel sad. Its okay to cry and grieve the loss of a new friendship. But its not a loss, the friendship will remain. I can still send her an email every now and then to update her on my status. That wasn't enough though, I wanted to keep meeting with her. I wanted to be her friend because she was someone I liked and trusted. Being a nurse I knew that could never happen due to the patient/doctor relationship rules. That's crossing the line. She told me that for one year there could not be much contact but she would respond to my emails if I had a crisis or something. She couldn't advise me though. I knew that but it still hurt and it confused me so much. I mean, I hated going into her office, I hated talking about me and my problems, I hated opening up and facing the demons of my past that held me captive for so many years but I grew to like her.

After our last meeting I went to our Thanksgiving Eve service at church. It was so hard and I needed a hug from Roni. I just needed to be hugged and told I would be okay, things would be okay. I needed to know she wasn't leaving too. She knows me so well and told me that she wasn't leaving but she won't be this person in my life forever. But of course I wouldn't hear that from her. She told me to be sad for a bit but to pick up and move forward there really are 'good' goodbyes.

Women's Retreat at Woodland Lakes

Oh my goodness! I had no idea what to expect from this weekend. That's probably good because I may not have gone. The retreat was held at the church camp I went to as a child. It brought back some pleasant memories! We all slept in the big dorm room under the center and we were in the old wooden bunkbeds! God was already at the retreat ready to meet me. He knew I was scared and nervous. When I walked over to the main chapel I noticed all the chairs were around the room in a circle and I immediately found Betty! Next thing I noticed was a long line of chairs set up facing one another in 2 rows and we were given a question on a piece of paper when we arrived. Roni saw me and asked me how I was and I told her I was fine until I saw this set up and realized we were going to do some sort of one on one discussion with people. She told me to stop it, its not bad. I guess maybe she could read my face and she told me it was a game similar to speed dating where each person has 30 seconds to ask and answer each others questions. Thats all it is. Its an ice breaker of sorts. It didn't help much but Betty said to me to keep an open mind this weekend. Just be open.

God worked so very hard on me in the next 22 hours while at the retreat! I cried so many times and just let the dam break finally. We had a lot of times alone with God and I used every minute of them to connect with him! I finally gave Betty the letter I had written telling her how much I loved her but I was unable to tell her out loud. The words were so very scary to me. She said the letter was enough for now.

God used so many people this weekend to talk to me, to show me his love so that I would know without a doubt I was not alone. He spoke with Roni, Valeri and Betty the whole time. It was wearing me out but it was invigorating at the same time. I spent some time outside with Roni talking at one point and she called me out on something when I said I didn't know who I was. She told me to stop lying to myself because I did know I just had to choose to believe it! More words from God straight to my heart!

I left the retreat feeling completely energized and overwhelmed all at once!

lots of hard work!

The next 8 weeks were the most challenging, heart wrenching, terrifying, rewarding weeks of my life up to that point. The anxiety was through the roof again but I kept saying I would do whatever it takes. I wish I could remember now what I used to say but it was something about we had 8 weeks to 'fix' me, I had to make it count. God turned up the fire to full blast! He was no longer nudging me down the road. He had a hold of my hand and was pulling me hard!

I had homework from Dr. L. I thought Roni's homework was crazy sometimes but I think these two women were two peas in a pod! Dr. L asked me to describe myself to her and I couldn't do it. I thought of things like coward, introverted, fearful, failure. So she told me to ask a number of close friends to tell me who they thought I was, what did they see in me? This was very hard for me to do. We were also getting challenges from church at the same time such as the 'no regrets week' and then the 'love challenge'--we tell someone we love them and why. Now this assignment! And I had a deadline! 1 week. So I sent emails out to friends but not to Roni. She had told me these things in the past and I wanted to hear from others who were not really in the up close and personal arena in my therapy. The responses were overwhelming to me and I had such a hard time believing them! They couldn't be talking about me!

They used words like courageous, determined, strong, patient, etc. These words did not describe me! I was a coward on all levels. I was so weak I could barely stand it seemed. These people obviously didn't know me like they thought or I was extremely good at hiding what was really inside of me. I was told by one of these friends and by Dr. L that I was not able to decipher these at truth or not. They are truth I just need to find it inside of me again. The depression was keeping me from seeing the truth, the lies I had been believing for so many years were preventing me from seeing the truth.

The love challenge at church was happening around this same time. This was completely overwhelming me! I told my kids and I told my Aunt Phyllis that I loved them. That was it. Occassionally I would tell my Aunts kids, but as a routine I didn't. Dr. L wanted me to do this challenge also. Another part of the homework. She said it wasn't as scary as I made it out to be. Roni told me the same thing. She said until I do it, the fear won't go away.

At first Roni and I talked about it being Robb and Sandy that I start with because they were all the time telling me they loved me. I was about to spend the afternoon with them and when the time came I just couldn't do it. Then I thought I would tell Betty. She was my 'safe' person. She was telling me each time she saw me, talked to me on the phone etc. Roni thought she was perfect! I had many opportunities but again, I failed. I couldn't do it. I think Roni asked why and I told her I was afraid to tell them because people I loved have always left. What if I told them but it wasn't really real coming back to me. She told me to do it anyway. The words just would not come. I was feeling like I would never be able to tell anyone. So what did I do? I wrote it out!

I wrote out what I wanted to say to Betty and I read it a few times but still the words would not come. We had our women's retreat and I had this tucked away in my Bible. One of the sessions to get with God at the retreat I went outside. It was early morning and it was frosty outside. I had taken a quilt with me so I took it outside too! I was out there a while and Betty came to join me. We were sitting on a swing just enjoying the wildlife at the camp and the frost on the trees. We were okay to sit quietly. I took out my paper and again, I couldn't read the words out loud to her but I let her read it herself. We were both crying and that wasn't too smart when it was in the 30's outside! But now she knew that I did love her, that I was scared to say the words out loud and she said that this letter was good enough for now. When I was able to she knew I would say it.

The retreat was a whole other piece of my healing and that will be a post all by itself! man oh man I was on a major roller coaster!
I wrote out

Deer Creek and God!

When I went to Deer Creek, I took my laptop, my bible and my camera. My phone didn't work there, my laptop didn't get internet service and the weather was perfect! When I arrived, I got the last room available and it was on the water side of the building even though I didn 't sit on the balcony. I immediately set to work.  I was going to meet God somewhere that weekend and my hope was that it was going to be a long long meeting. I went for a walk on the grounds and they were beautiful. I took lots and lots of pictures just watching nature. My mind started to settle down. I took out my laptop and started typing. In a 24 hour time frame I typed about 18 pages of thoughts. The anger came out, the fear came out, the disappointment came out.

When I left Dr. Lyall's office just a few days before I told her I didn't know if I would be back or not. What was the point in continuing to open up to her, to keep going deeper into the pit of darkness to find the light if she was leaving. What was the point in starting all over again with someone new if it was going to take 6 months for me to open up to them also. She told me she wouldn't take my appointments off just yet but I can call her if I decided not to come back. I was okay with that. So while at Deer Creek I wrote alot about these appointments and my feelings that we really hadn't done a whole lot. I was still as messed up in the head over my mother and my past. I cried to God, I pleaded with him to please tell me what to do. If I went back to these appointments then please let there be some break through in my emotional well being because I was literally about to crack! I was barely functioning again and it hurt!

I felt so abandoned again. I went right back to the feeling that everytime I begin to trust someone they leave! I was terrified again and panicked that Roni would leave also. It was not a good time for me. I sent Roni and Dr. Lyall the 18 pages I had typed that weekend. They said it was a great work! I couldn't see it.

I did go back to the appointments with Dr. Lyall. We had 8 more weeks to work to get me well! I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was scared and the anxiety was back in full force it seemed. By the time Dr. Lyall was leaving there had been more progress in my healing than there had been in the previous 6 months! It was a very stressful, emotionally draining, rewarding time! So many things started happening inside of me. I need to go back and read the emails and the journal entries so that I can get the facts straight to write them out here.

Things started to change!

Well its been a while since I have written anything. I think I hit that wall again trying to forget all of it. But also I have been very busy with vacation to Disney and then a mission trip to Joplin, Mo.

So at the end of the last post I had gone back on my medications, they were changed up again to a completely different class of medication. They started working and I started feeling better. I continued in my weekly therapy sessions. I still hated these appointments, oh how I hated them! But something was starting to happen. I was really beginning to like Dr. Lyall as a person. Not my therapist. I wanted her to be a friend not a doctor. I started to open up a little easier to her week by week. I still did a lot of emailing to her that we would talk about at the appointments but it was easier. I was trusting her, I wasn't hiding as much.

Then it happened.

Sometime in September Dr.L told me that she and her family were moving to Alaska. Something they had always wanted to do and so on December 1, 2010 she would be closing her practice for good. She told me at the end of the appointment which was good because I immediately withdrew from her. She saw it on my face and in my posture. She said we would talk through it. We would keep working. She would refer me to someone else whom she felt would be just as good for me. She asked me to please come back out of my cave to talk to her about it. It was too late. I was in my cave and I refused to come out. I still cry about it now as I think about it.

I was so hurt, so angry, so lost, so sad. All of this, all at the same time. I was completely overwhelmed and I shut down. I couldn't work, I wasn't eating great and I could barely take care of my kids in my mind. I immediately called Roni and what I remember is that she didn't understand why I was so upset. People come and go, its normal. It will be okay! Just stop and breathe!

I was so angry at God! How could this happen? I finally started to come out of my cave, I finally started to trust her and what she wanted me to do with her. I began to face some really big hurdles but I still felt like I had not made a lot of improvement. I decided I needed to get away and process this newest development.

I went to Deer Creek State Park in Columbus Ohio. The picture at the top of the blog is from Deer Creek. I had to get a way with God. I needed to have a meeting with him. One on one. I was mad!

PARALYZED

As soon as the letter went into the mail slot I wanted to reach in and grab it! About the time I thought she would have received the letter my anxiety took control of me and I was completely and utterly paralyzed with fear! I became the young girl who just went against her mother and just knew that the punishment was on its way. It didn't matter to me that I was 40 years old and had not had any contact with my mom in 9 years. I could hear her saying ''how dare you, who do you think you are talking too?" I knew she was going to reply and it was going to be ugly. I was terrified to check my mail and if my voicemail light was blinking I was afraid to check it. I checked the caller ID whenever the phone would ring. I was scared to death and it was affecting my ability to function.!

Roni and I talked through this time and she told me that IF I were to get a response to give it to her to read first. Let her be the buffer between me and the letter. I told her that was a good idea but I hope that I would be able to wait to give her the letter. Between Roni and Dr. L, I was told to keep in mind that my mom cannot do anything to me any longer. I have control over how I react to things. She doesnt have control over me. I am an adult and I am able to have adult conversations with another adult EVEN if that adult is my mother. But I would envision her getting the letter and I would play out this very nasty scene in my mind. Over and over again. Roni asked me to rewrite that script-rewrite the scene to play out differently. But I couldn't. I didn't know any other reaction from her and the anxiety in me was preventing me the ability to see anything else! It was horrible!

Somewhere around this time I had weaned myself off all my meds. I hated the meds, I hated the way I felt with the side effects, I was a walking zombie somedays. I started to feel better mood wise so I weaned them slowly until I was off of them. It was about 4 weeks later that I started spiraling down again. Roni noticed the sadness in my emails to her. I stopped wanting to do anything with my friends Robb and Sandy and opted to just stay home all the time. When I had the kids it was so incredibly hard to make myself do something with them, the slightest activity absolutely wore me out! Roni started saying things to me that maybe it was because I needed my medication, maybe I should restart them. I fought it for 2 more weeks because I just really hated them! When I restarted them I started out very slow, low dosing for a week or so then gradually built back up to the dose I was on previously. I started having the side effects again but this time even worse than before! Heart palpitations, anxiety even worse, insomnia-I would sleep maybe 2 hours a night-when I did sleep I had horrible nightmares and thoughts of doing self harm. So I had to go back to the doctor. He changed the medications altogether. I cried in his office. We kept going up on meds, we finally changed classes of medications but I felt hopeless as if nothing could help me feel better. He told me to stop the one med immediatly because the withdrawl side effects were not as bad as what I was feeling. He started me on another med and we started low but eventually had to go up and it was up to its max point. This depressed me even more. My mind and body were in a war and my mind was winning, my body was failing me. Not only did he max out the one medication he added another one! Such a blow to me! I felt awful because I knew I was maxed on one, needed more to help because I couldn't help myself! I would cry in emails to Roni about the meds and she finally gave me a stern 'get over it' response! Telling me that lots of people need lots of meds and I already KNOW that, so I needed to get past it. Take the meds, stop thinking about them and let them work! After a few weeks my mood started changing again, this time for the good. But the meds were not without side effects! I just had to decide could I live with them.

All my fault

I truly believed it was all my fault. It was because of things I didn't do right and things I did that made me happy, not her. ALL MY FAULT that she didn't love me, that she didn't want anything to do with me. I must have been a horrible daughter. Why else would a mother walk away from her child? Did she ever really love me? Did she ever really want me? Did she ever think about me? How could she love my sister and all her mistakes but push me away when I messed up?

These are things that went through my mind all the time as well as the tremendous amount of heartache that I had to hide in order to survive. I had to hide the hurt and put up a big brave front for everyone. No one could know that deep inside of me, my heart was broken. I was alone. I was scared of so many things. But I had to be the strong person who could handle whatever was thrown my way.

I learned to answer people with 'its her loss' but even though I said those words out loud, I was crying on the inside. I had lost so much I thought. Even though there was nothing but dysfunction in the family, it was still family. Right? It was still my mom?

When Roni and I talked one day about me not being able to read the letter out loud to Dr. L she asked me a question about what would I say to a child who asked me why their parent wasn't involved or stated it was their fault their parent wasn't involved? I said its not that child's fault at all. She said then why is it my fault my mom walked away? I don't know I said. Her response was that I was able to look at the other situation as an adult but when I speak of my mom I am back at 12 years of age and cannot look at any of it as the adult I am today. She was exactly right! So I had to become an adult and quick in order to look at things through different lenses!

This all began a time where I was given a list from Roni that she told me to read out loud everyday as many times a day as I could. It ended with 'its not my fault that...' and it listed many things! She wanted me to read it out loud to hear the words spoken by my own voice in hopes that I would begin believing it! I took the list to Dr. L one day and she had me read it out loud also! She asked if I believed what I was saying--not exactly! I could not get past the lie I had convinced myself to be true, that it was my fault my mother walked away from me.

Roni had a suggestion to try to help me look at my story from an outsiders perspective. She asked me to write out my story in 3rd person as if I were going to read the story and analyze a patient to try to help them. She was onto something with this because I am a helper/fixer type of person. But this was incredibly hard to do, to write my story as if I were looking in from a window. It took me months before I could pick up this little project and actually complete it.

I finally decided to write a new letter to my mom. I wanted to actually send it this time. But I needed lots of help in writing it! I took back the 6 page letter from Roni to try and piece meal a new letter. She didn't like it, it sounded like I chopped up a different letter. There was no flow to it and it didn't make sense. Plus it was full of emotionally charged language. So I started over. I did this many times until I finally had a 1 page typed letter that told her how I felt and did not place blame on anyone. It told her where I was at emotionally. It was a calm letter.

Now what was I supposed to do with it????

I took it to Dr. L's office and showed it to her. She thought it was a good letter also. Roni and I talked about it and how I might feel if I don't get a response. Was I looking for a response to this or was I just wanting to let her know my feelings? I told her I didn't expect a response but thought I would get one with a negative or condescending tone to it because I was not allowed to tell my mom how I really felt. She wasn't sure I would get one because even though I had been processing this stuff it was quite possible my mom never did and she wouldn't be ready to respond for a long time if ever. Roni and Dr. L left it to me to decide to mail it of course. Dr. L said she could put it in the mail if I couldn't but wanted to. I chose to take the letter with me and pray about it some more because my anxiety over it was through the roof!

I MAILED THE LETTER! 

One morning I walked out to the mail box and put it in the slot. I watched it fall from my fingers and immediately I felt as if I could throw up!

WHAT HAD I JUST DONE!
WAS I CRAZY?!
I'M GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!

Yep, all these things went through my head!

Facing the Giant

It took Dr. L a long time to get me to start opening up but my idea of opening up was to write it out in an email and send it to her. Actually verbalizing the thoughts was paralyzing me. She was okay with emails sent to her and then she would read them and discuss them at our next meeting. She asked me if I had any pictures of my mother and I told her yes. She asked me to bring them in, could we go through them together. I told her I didn't know if I could or not.

One weekend when the kids were gone to Eric's I pulled out the bin that holds all the old photos. I went through each and every picture. There were hundreds upon hundreds! It was good going through them recalling the memories but I noticed something. I could not remember things of my childhood with my mother. I could remember events that the photos captured but random things without photos I couldn't remember. There wasn't anything she and I would do together, there wasn't anything she said that I could recall. There was 1 photo of me and my sister with both of our parents. The ONLY one I have. I do not remember that time at all. I look at the picture and I see strangers. I have no feeling other than I do not know them, I feel as if I just didn't belong in that picture. I gathered them up and put them in a ziplock bag. I took them to church and I showed Roni the one of the 4 of us. I told her I couldn't remember this and I just want to remember something, anything good from my childhood with my mother. Everything is so clouded with the bad things I just needed to remember something good. It made me incredibly sad that I couldn't. She asked if I would give the pictures to Dr. L. I told her I didn't know if I was ready to or not. I couldn't understand what good it would do to go through them with her. What was she trying to accomplish? Roni didn't know but said to ask her! Hmm novel idea!

I took them with me the next week and she asked if I had them. I told her yes. Could I share them? No, not yet. She didn't push it. A little later she asked again. I handed her the bag. She just put them in her lap and asked how I felt about giving them to her. She could see the nervousness, the fear, the anxiety because I truly was a mess. I wanted so badly to face this giant, I wanted to crush it and move past it but the little girl in me kept coming out in that office. I just knew at any moment my mother would walk through that door and I would be in so much trouble. I couldn't look at my past through the eyes of an adult. I only saw it as the child I was, I couldn't separate from it.

We eventually did open the bag and go through the pictures one by one. She asked what I felt. I told her some of them had no feeling because it was as if I were looking at strangers, others especially ones with just my mother in them made me incredibly angry.

She asked if I had a picture of just my mom could I have it blown up and made bigger to bring in to the office. I told her no. I didn't want a big picture of her, why? She wanted me to read a letter to her picture so I could finally say what I wanted to say to her in a completely safe environment. I had to think about it, it sounded so dumb to me. I hate role play and to me that's what this was. I told Roni about it and she told me to think about it. I did but it made me incredibly anxious and so finally I told her no, I couldn't do it. Telling a piece of paper what I was thinking wasn't going to do anything for me. I wanted her to hear me! I wanted her to read the words! I wanted her to feel the pain I had felt all these years! I wanted her to cry for once! I wanted her to say she was sorry, even though I would have never believed her if she did! She still had no idea what she had done to me!

Dr. L asked me had I written her any letters? I said yes, she asked to see them. I had one that was ~ 6 pages hand written. Again, I went to Roni first and she told me I should read it to Dr. L. Oh man! The anxiety ramped up big time. Read it out loud? Are you serious? She was. I hadn't even let Roni read the letter yet, how could I read it to this doctor I barely knew? I gave it to Roni and I told her I just want to mail it to my mom and she made me promise I wouldn't mail it! Not this one. Not one full of emotions like the one I had written. It would not do anything good. It wasn't about what I felt inside, it was all about telling her what she did to me to hurt me so much.

I did take the letter to Dr. L and she asked me to read it. I couldn't do it. She asked if she could read it to me and I said yes. As she read it to me I sat across from her and I could feel myself go back to my childhood and the tears came, the anger came, the wall was finally breaking!

I was so mad at myself. I hate crying in front of people. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I was exhausted beyond belief.

Dr. L asked what was going through my mind and I just kept saying, how does a mother walk away from her child? what did I do that was so wrong? was I that bad of a child that she couldn't deal with me? why didn't she love me?

I retreated to my cave and I was done for the day.

The Questionnaire

I was a nervous wreck but Dr. L was kind, patient, quiet, calm and safe. Although I couldn't really see these thing through my fear that surrounded me. She asked what was the main problem and I told her that my parents disowned me due to marrying a black man. My mother and I had a strained relationship from about the age of 13 or 14. I have a few vague memories about my mother before that age. Then she went through the information forms that I finally did hand over to her. That was very scary for me to do. She asked why, and it was because growing up I was forbidden to give my opinion and I certainly could not talk about problems at home with anyone. She told me that her office was safe, my mother was not there and there was no way for her to find out what I say in there! This still did not calm me down. I was not breathing-I was holding my breath without really knowing that's what I was doing.

As she was asking me to explain answers from the questionnaire I was retreating to my cave. I would close my eyes and rub my head. She would pull me back to her to talk it out.
She went through these topics:
my parents divorce and me not remembering my dad ever living with us before the divorce
my mom remarrying 4 times
her 4th husbands alcohol problem
his attempt at raping me when he was drunk out of his mind one night
me losing all trust in my mom once I told her and her response to me
my complete disconnect from her even though I lived with her
my on again off again relationship with her until I was 31 when it severed for good
my wild night life I had in my 20's to make up for all the relationship void I had inside of me.
then living life without her for 10+ years when I needed a mother the most to help me and guide me through the turmoil I was living

I had not dealt with any of this in a healthy way up to this point. I hid from it, I ignored it didn't exist but at times it would come slamming back in my mind and paralyze me! Holidays were the worst. I couldn't wait to get from Thanksgiving to January 1st! I would get so angry listening to everyone talk about their families and then gripe about having to go somewhere to be with family members. I just wanted to scream at them, at least you have a family to go to!

This is all for now, my leg is bouncing so fast right now. Most likely the anxiety of remembering all this! But I need to get it out of me!

Starting to clean out the wounds......

We are getting to the meat of the matter now. The part of the story that just hurts. Its the part that I spent so many years trying to forget and ignore and then spent every week in counseling for 8 solid months to overcome!

My Dad decided to not be in my life, his grand-daughter's life. OK, I could accept that. But now we are getting into the part that deals with my mom. This is the hard part. This is where Roni and I decided there were 2 parts to my issue--my past relationship with my mom and the disownment from my mom. They are two different issues but are tied tightly together. I guess the best place to start is why Roni wanted me to see a psychologist and then start with the first appointments with the doctor.

Once Eric left in December 2009 and then I settled down some in my mind, I became overwhelmed with thoughts about my mom. I mean nonstop thinking about her, my past, my fears, my anger etc. And then the questions started pouring out to Roni--how could she walk away from her child? why hasn't she ever tried to contact me? why didn't she love me? what did I do to her to make her walk away from me so easily? NONSTOP! And I thought---WHERE in the world did all this come from???? I had put this stuff away years ago and now its resurfacing! I can't deal with my mom!

I had to because it obviously affected me negatively!

Roni gave me the name and number of Dr. L and told me to call. I finally did call her and got a voicemail!!! Are you serious!? I told her my name and how I received her number and would like to set up a time to talk to her. After I got there that first day and started working on the packet in her waiting room, I kept thinking I have lost it completely! I am sitting in an office waiting to talk to a psychologist about things that happened so many years ago and this packet of information she wanted touched on things from A to Z! I was terrified to answer them but I kept hearing Roni in my head saying to me to be open and let her help! She can't help if I don't answer her honestly.........

Honestly--wow, but her questions were very specific, very detailed, covering a lot of topics. All of which I seemed to have issues with. She finally called me into her office on March 31, 2010. I thought I would die right then and there!

Disownment

It  has been weeks since I've written last. We are getting to a place that was so very hard to deal with because it meant I had to accept it and move on. There had to be action taken. I had to trust. I had to trust that Dr. L really was trying to help me and not use against me any information I might tell her. I had to trust myself that I would really put forth the effort to finally face these issues. I had to trust God to be with me at all times no matter what.

When I was pregnant with Arianna in 1998/99 I came to Cincinnati at Thanksgiving. I was going to see my Dad and go to my Aunt Phyllis' house for Thanksgiving day. When I went to my Dad's, I took a photo album of me and my ex husband. Up to this point I had not told him that he was black. We'd only been together ~6 months at that time. My Dad looked at the photo album at the end of our visit and he looked at me and asked 'is he black?' I said yes, he is black.  My Dad closed the album and gave it back to me. He said nothing. I was getting ready to leave so I went ahead and got my things. Dad walked me to the car and I asked him was he still planning on going to Phyllis' for dinner the next day? He replied,'no, I don't think I will be going'. So I got in the car and I drove down the driveway. That was the last time I have seen my father. November 1998.

I knew he would have a problem with it, with the biracial relationship. I was hoping that he would come around so he could be near his grandchild. This never happened. He has never seen his grandchildren and most likely has not seen a picture either.

I went on to my Aunt's house to see her and spend time with my cousins. They did not seem to care who the father of my child was, that he was a black man. My Aunt and Uncle asked me if he was good to me, did he take care of me? That's all they cared about, not the color of his skin, but his character. I went back to Texas and told Eric what had happened and he said it was my choice what to do with this information, but really did I have a choice? No. I struggled with what I would tell my children when they were older when they ask where my father is and why isn't there grandfather a part of their lives.

For some reason I was able to accept my father's choice pretty easily. Maybe because I had already experienced his wrath in college when I dated a black man. Dad and I went head to head and I told him I was not dating someone to make him happy but for my own happiness. I was on my own at this time and told him he did not pay my bills and could not tell me who I could and could not date. He didn't like this and I guess I wouldn't either coming from my own children. So we agreed to disagree and I would not mention anything about my social life to him if he didn't ask but if he did I wasn't going to lie to him. He would not like the answer I gave him. Until the time I showed up at Thanksgiving he and I had a fragile relationship to say the least, it was like walking on egg shells at all times but still it was a relationship.

As of today its been almost 13 years since I've seen my Father, almost 12 since I last spoke to him. I've accepted that is his choice and I'm okay with that. Maybe its because I didn't live with him growing up and I was already at a disconnect. Maybe its because I already knew how he would respond and had begun  to process it before the conversations ever happened.

January 2000, I came back to Cincinnati to visit friends and show off my new girl! She was 9 months old at the time. I called my Dad to see if he would like to meet his granddaughter. He replied with 'you made your choices, live with them. He didn't want to see her or me.' I told him that I respected his wishes but I would consider him as dead and to please not change his mind. I do not want him in and out of our lives, its all of us or none of us, all the time. He said no problem and hung up. That was the last conversation I ever had with him. I hung up the phone and I cried. It was real, it hurt and I didn't understand how people, my father, could be so cold. But, I understood that was his choice to make.

Over the years I have missed him at various times but have resigned myself to the fact that he just can't handle it and its his loss. He is missing 2 of the best children around. I see my Dad in my son at times, especially in childhood pictures of my Dad. My son would learn so much from him because I always grew up thinking my Dad knew everything even though I didn't live with him. He is surely missing out on some really great kids...........

In my Cave and Finding God

When I started meeting Dr. L, I thought that walking in her door for the first time was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. Hmmm, not so. Facing the fears inside of me, head on, was so much more terrifying! Dr. L was different than the counselor that Eric and I went to, she could look at me and see the tension, the fear, the anxiety. We would sit down and the first thing she would do was ask if we needed to pray, and then she would. She would ask me routinely where was I? Was I in the room with her or in my cave? The majority of the time I was in my cave.

What is this place--my cave?

This is a place where I go internally to hide. I take my emotions and my feelings and I literally check out of reality for a while. This is a place where I learned to go at a very young age. Much younger than most ever knew. This was a place where I felt safe, I felt secure and could express my own feelings because they never left the cave. They were never allowed to be vocalized. As a child I did not have an opinion. I wasn't allowed an opinion. It was mom's way and that was the final answer.

How did she know that was where I was going???? I guess the closing of my eyes, rubbing my forehead and closing my body in on itself by holding my arms and crossing my legs or tucking them under me and literally almost tying myself up into a knot was a really good clue! And of course the absolute silence from me! Roni saw this many times and the way she brought me back was to talk to me. At time she would read various scriptures to me until I would come back to her and then we would talk some more.

Dr. L asked me to describe what I saw when I was in my cave. What was surrounding me? It was dark so I couldn't see. It had very tall walls, no windows and a single door. It was only big enough for me.

She asked me where was God when I was in this cave? I told her I didn't know because he wasn't in there with me. She asked where was God when I was a young girl and started feeling the way I did about my mom? I said I had no idea. I didn't really know who he was back then, I knew about him, but I didn't know him. She asked would I let him in my cave with me? I told her, no. There was only room for me. She asked would I think about inviting him to come inside because he would make room. He was safe. He wanted to come inside with me. I think this was one of the few times I cried in her office. I was in this cave, I could hear her talk to me and I answered her with one word answers because that was all I had in me to give. She kept asking me the same question but many different ways it seemed. She kept telling me how much God loved me and wanted me to let him in so he could help me. I was closing myself off to him also.

God I need you! I was screaming this in my mind but I was holding him at arms length! That was safe. I had control of that. I didn't know if I could let him in with me or not. He had proven to me numerous times already that he was safe, he was bigger than all my problems, he was always with me but now it was up to me to let him into a place inside of me that had been off limits to everyone! The only person who was ever really allowed to see inside of me into this place was Roni. She knew all the things that were hidden on shelves, corners, closets etc. She was at a point that she could no longer help me and that is why she wanted Dr. L involved. She knew God was already there I needed to join him!

Through discussions with Roni and Dr. L it was determined that there were really 2 main issues going on inside of me that I was battling against and hiding from. The first was disownment and the second was childhood. It was decided that we should possibly focus on one at a time and disownment seemed to be the easier of the two evils. Panic and anxiety became my newest state of being as we began to go down this road....

Meeting Dr. L

March 31st, 2010

This is the day of my first appointment with Dr. L, psychologist. Terrified doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling. Roni and I had even written out a script for me to use to tell her about me because I wasn't sure I would be able to say anything at all. When I walked in the office it was a small quaint room with a couch and chairs with music playing. On the table were magazines and also a clipboard with papers to be filled out for new patients. I was early as usual so I began filling out the papers. HARD questions! Did I really need to tell her these things? Was it really going to be ok? Would she think I was a total nut case for the way I think? After a few minutes she came out of her office and she was a tiny little thing with with a warm smile. I went in and sat down, she sat across from me. I was shaking I was so scared at this point. I really thought I would throw up but that wouldn't have been a good first impression now would it?! She introduced herself and just started with general conversation to loosen things up a bit. She explained what I could expect and after the first few visits she would make her assessment and plan.

Those early visits were question/answer type visits so she could get some history. It was very exhausting to me to answer her questions. I would routinely run and hide in my cave, close my eyes and rub my forehead. By doing this I closed myself off completely to her. She kept trying to bring me out of it and sometimes she did, others not so much. But I would listen to her. She kept telling me I could email her if I wanted and we could discuss the email at the next appointment. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as number of visits etc. but she scheduled me weekly, indefinitely. I was crushed. But I scheduled them.

She asked me why was at her office, what did I want to work on? I explained that after Eric left my mind was flooded with all the other things I had shelved for so long. Namely the issues with my mother. She of course asked about those and the easiest thing to talk about was how she couldn't handle the fact that Eric is black and she was basically ashamed of us. So she chose to not be a part of our lives after I gave her the ultimatum all of us or none of us. After a bit I think I told her more about growing up and the things from childhood that bothered me. Alot of it was on the questionnaire she had me fill out that I did eventually give to her. She asked had I written my mom a letter. I told her I had but was told by Roni I wasn't allowed to mail it. She asked if I would bring it in for her to read. I think I initially told her no but then Roni set me straight again saying Dr. L cannot help me if I do not let her inside my head and heart. She told me to take her the letter. I did and it was so scary handing over that letter. I was uncomfortable that she had so much information about me. I was full of irrational fears about what would happen to me because I gave her so much information.

I began having nightmares and bad dreams that my mom was in. Dr. L would talk to me about these trying to get to the root of the issue with me. She worked hard to get her payment from me but she was good at getting me to eventually open up and talk. I was getting more comfortable but not completely.

These appointments went on for the next 6 months on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think they helped and sometimes I wondered what they were doing if anything. But I kept going. I told Roni I wouldn't quit. It was the hardest 6 months of my life. Little did I know it was about to get harder!

Don't get me wrong the first 6 months were incredibly hard on me. I had many ups and downs, medication changes and deletions. I weaned off of them completely at one point only to need them again weeks later. When I restarted them my body went crazy and the side effects were horrible to the point of another office visit with my medical doctor and those meds stopped immediately and I was placed on something stronger. Talk about a blow to the attitude. That was tough.

Sometime around May or maybe June, Dr. L asked if I was ready to truly face my mom. She would role play or she would ask me to visualize my mom in the room with us and when she did I immediately hid. I was in my cave and refused to come out. Irrational or not, it was real to me. She asked what did I want to do with the letter I had written her, how about a 'funeral' of sorts for it. I told her that until I think she is told what she has done to me I wouldn't be able to just walk away from it. So she said then send her a letter but I couldn't send the one I had written. In the meantime I had given Roni this long letter to keep for me because I was afraid I would send it as it was written. I deleted it from my computer so I couldn't reprint it. I told Roni about this session with Dr. L and I asked her for my letter back so I could try to rewrite it. She asked what was my motive? Was it to make her hurt or to tell her my feelings? I told her my feelings but if that hurt her then so be it. We had a lot of work still do didn't we????  She gave me the letter and I told her I would need her help making the new one 'sendable'.

I set out on this new mission but in the meantime the emotions of reading the letter and all the churning of the memories was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.

A year of Change

2010- a new year and a lot of change!

Change scares me! I guess that's why I lived in my cave all my life afraid to face things. Let me rephrase this, change that I don't have control over the outcome scares me. Prior to Eric moving out in December I was not sleeping, I was not coping very well and I was seriously depressed. Roni talked to me again about going to the doctor to talk about getting something for the depression and the possibility of seeing a psychologist. I have battled her many times on these issues. The meds scared me and the thought of talking to a doctor brought back the fears from childhood because I was not allowed to talk about what went on behind the closed doors of our house. Finally I agreed to see my medical doctor for antidepressants. He put me on one at a low dose after I told him the ones I had tried previously that made me want to drive off a bridge! He put me on the one he said had the least side effects so I agreed to give it a try. I hated them. I cried over them, I whined to Roni constantly about how bad I felt because I needed them. She basically said suck it up and take them, you need them! I did. I took them and within a few days the side effects started-insomnia-waking many times a night, getting up for the day at 3::30am, nausea, joint pain, bad dreams, stomach pain, headache, sadness and hopelessness . But I kept taking it, I knew the side effects could be transient. By February I was on an additional med to help me sleep because sleep deprivation could be causing all of these side effects also. I started sleeping and I started to feel better but the joint pain persisted.

Eric and I were having a very hard time adjusting to the roles we were now in as divorced parents. We were mean and ugly to each other. He was living with someone else and when the kids would come home Arianna would ask me many things. He and I were still communicating through email and/or text messaging. Phone conversations usually ended badly. We would fight over the schedule that he had the kids and he seemed to battle me on each and every little thing. It was to the point that I was about to call Uncle and file our divorce decree in Ohio and force him to abide by the decree. As it was he was getting way more time with the kids the way we had been doing it but he needed to play nice or I would just hand it back over to the courts to manage. He decided to play nice.

Sometime in March my depression was beginning to get worse again! Roni was given the name of another psychologist that she passed on to me. I was still battling her on this but she said she could not talk to me about the things that were coming up in my head now.  She didn't know how to counsel me. You see, after Eric left and we were in our patterns per se and things started to settle down slightly I began to have dreams of my mom. I began to obsess and focus on the fact that she wasn't in my life. I wasn't focused on Eric any longer and so the things I had pushed aside for so many years came flooding back into my head. All of the things in my head put me in a serious tailspin and I was so confused. I was angry. I was hurt. I kept asking 'why?' when there were no answers to be found to the questions I had.

I never dealt with the emotions or issues within me when my mother chose to walk away from my life. Until now.

Roni and I talked and we prayed many times and she gave me the number to call and set up an appointment with this psychologist. I did make the call and the appointment. This would be the beginning of something I'm not sure I was quite ready for but as God had proven to me so many times already I do not have to be ready for it, I just need to follow where he leads me. This was so very hard for me to do!

Numb

I think that word 'numb' pretty much sums it all up! I was numb at this point. I told him to move out, told the kids I was making him move out because I wasn't happy. He was making me out to be the bad guy 100%! He was telling the kids how much I hated him, I didn't love him, he didn't have anywhere to go etc. So because of those words to them they would come to be with all the 'why' questions!

why didn't I want their Daddy to live with us?
why didn't I love him?
why did I hate him?
If I was so unhappy then why don't I move out and let Daddy stay?
     yep that one stung a lot!

Everyday there were tears. Bedtime tears, school tears, homework tears--all the time! I was doing my best to continue to function but I honestly cannot remember coming or going most days. There were so many emails to Roni, so many phone calls, lots of prayers together just to get through until he finally did move out.

He would not give me a date that he was leaving, it was always "I don't know, when I get the place ready". Well, there were many days he would stay gone until late at night then come in long after the kids and I were in the bed. Our only communication was through email or text. Emails often went unanswered for a couple of days. There was zero conversation between us verbally. One night he just didn't come home. I didn't know if he was on the side of the road, if he was with his friend or what! I did care because of the kids. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. Turns out he was with his friend or so he says. When I came home that evening he finally came in late again. I told him he needed to leave because I wasn't going to be the one to keep explaining to the kids why he wasn't home in the mornings when they expected him to be. He got mad again saying he was doing it slowly so not to disrupt the kids! I told him he did that by the way he told them he was moving out. He needed to finish packing and leave.

I believe he was gone the next day when I came home from work.

Throughout all of this my anxiety was hitting an all time high complete with chest pain, palpitations, and shortness of breath. So many times I would hear Roni say to me-calm down and watch. The anxiety was not good for me but its not ever a good thing is it?

December 14th 2009--the day he was officially out of my house.
Yes 2 weeks before Christmas. I was so worried how that would affect the kids. I kept thinking should I let him stay until after the 1st of the year? But then there is always something coming up so I resigned to the fact that no matter when it happened it would just be bad. It was.

Oh it was heart wrenching to let them go to him to stay overnight. They had never really been away from me. It started as one night, then two nights then three nights. It killed me! I cried and cried so many nights because the fear I had inside of me from when I left Texas came flooding back in again. What if he ran off with the kids???? What if he......??? What if he...??? These made me insane! I closed myself off to everyone except Roni. I wouldn't leave my house for anything except work and church. There were times when I couldn't even do either of those and I would stay in bed or on the couch. Remember my friends that God brought into my life-the couple? Robb and Sandy. They were and are such great friends. They tried to get me to do things with them as often as possible. Our friendship was new, only a few months old at this time. They didn't know a lot but knew enough. And they cared. If I wasn't at church they called, if I was supposed to meet them but didn't they'd call or come to my house. I didn't know how to accept this friendship from them. It was all so foreign to me, it had been so long since I had a friend who acted this way with me.

We made it through Christmas 2009 and on toward New Year's Day! I couldn't wait for January to roll around. December was always a very tough month for me emotionally and now all of this on top of what was stored inside of me from my past. Not a good combination!

A very long night

Now, even though I couldn't see it at the time, God was doing things that would help me during this time. He blossomed a friendship between me and two really neat people who had children close to the age of mine. The kids were buddies from Sunday school and all of us went to a pumpkin patch and that began a wonderful friendship. More on this to come.

Well the evening I told Eric he needed to move out began a very long night of 'talks'. I put that in quotations because that's a loose description of what happened. He left the house for a while and I took my computer and went upstairs to my room. I remember seeing Roni on facebook and telling her quickly what had just happened and how scared I had been that I was about to get hit. She talked with me for a while and then Eric came home and came upstairs. I got off the computer and he started talking.

He proceeded to tell me that he knew what the problem was in our relationship. I was the problem, it was me and all my affairs I had been having! I said that was news to me and could he please tell me when I had time to have an affair? And he said affairs so does he mean to tell me I've had multiple? He said yes, its quite obvious! I simply said well if you accuse then that usually means you have a guilty conscience. I told him I had never had an affair. I had never even been out on a date with anyone else since the day I met him. I asked could he say the same thing? NO, he could not. I said you are right and there is someone right now isn't there? He said yes he had a 'friend'. I said, yes I know. I'm not dumb and I had it figured out a while ago but that's okay because that was not the reason I made my decision. We 'talked' for awhile that night and I left it that I could no longer do anything to help this relationship. I could not do it alone and he was not willing to work on things with me. He proceeded to tell me that he might have 5% of the blame in the demise of the relationship but otherwise it was all my fault we didn't make it. After some silence he left the room and went downstairs again.

The next day I went to church and I found Roni between services and we sat down to talk in the cafe. We talked all through the entire next service. I told her everything from the night before. I think this was the first time she actually saw me cry. Before we finished she pulled her chair a little closer to mine and she held my hands and she prayed over me. The tears just fell. I felt so defeated and completely hollow. Its a time that when I think back now, I wonder how in the world I was walking around, there is so much I do not remember.

The next few weeks were so hard even though the hard part was over. He kept trying to communicate in anyway he could but I was done, I could do no more. I simply wanted him to leave so we could get on with life. About mid November we were home together and I was cleaning as usual to avoid him. He started to help and that just made me that much more irritated! Prior to this day I had been separating out my laundry from his and only doing mine and the kids and he would eventually do his own but he didn't really pay attention that that was what I was doing. Well this particular day it occurred to him and he came downstairs and asked me in a very loud irritated tone was I separating laundry? I said yes, I had been for a while. He could do his own. I was tired of doing everything, so he could do his own. This fired him up and he kept asking questions one right after the other. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and I was ignoring him. I asked was he really going to do this in front of the kids? He kept going, so I told him to take it upstairs away from the kids.

We went upstairs and he kept at it and I told him flat out I wanted him to move out. This relationship was over, I didn't want him living here any longer, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy so why keep going? He said he wasn't leaving his kids and I told him he wasn't, he just wasn't living with us. He said he was going to tell the kids then that their mother didn't want their dad to live with them. I told him that I think we should tell them when he finds a place of his own, why make them worry unnecessarily? He said too bad, you want to kick me out they are going to know the truth. He marched downstairs and told the kids to sit down on the couch. He sat between them  and I was directly across from them. He told them that he came here to be with the family and he loved them very much. The he said to them that I wasn't happy and therefore I told him to move out. They both were screaming and poor Elijah was gagging he was crying so hard. They were yelling at me asking me why did I hate their Daddy? I have never hated anyone as much as I did him at that moment! A little later he left with the kids to go to the store for somethings. I fired off emails to Roni and called her at home and her cell both without an answer.

I left the house and drove around not knowing where I was going. I ended up sitting in a parking lot near the mall. I called Roni again and this time she answered. She immediately asked what's wrong? I told her as I was sobbing on the phone to her. We talked for a little while and she told me I had to go home. I could not sit in the parking lot, I needed to be home for the kids when they came home. Never in my life had I hurt so badly than when I heard my kids ask me why I didn't love their Daddy and why did I make him move out or why didn't I move out if I was so unhappy? All these things were things they had heard from him in his anger. I knew this but it still hurt me so incredibly much.

The next few weeks were so hard on all of us. I was constantly talking to Roni either by email, facebook, phone or in person and the kids started talking to the Bittner crew. 

Life was about to get very unsettled!

My Decision

Roni and I talked about how I needed to let Eric know what I have been thinking. I had to tell him about the 'options' I had been contemplating and focusing on for so long. My anxiety about got the best of me. I had no idea I had anxiety so bad until all of this started. There were things surfacing from inside of me that had been buried deep I suppose.

I wrote an email to Eric but knew that I couldn't send it, it had to be spoken words from me to him. So after a while I asked him to give me some time to talk to him. It wasn't really a talk. I read the email to him, that's the only way I could get through it. I asked him not to speak until I was done and then we would talk. He didn't interrupt but when I was done he said that he didn't hear me say what I wanted! I said I wanted him to think about the three options because something had to change. He felt there was no option, I already knew what I was going to do so what was the point. I tried to tell him it did matter what he felt but he wouldn't hear me.

His way of dealing with things is to hear it, get mad, get quiet for a few days and then re-visit the conversation again. So Roni said to wait it out now, see what he does. There was quiet and there were a few emails between me and Eric. In the end he didn't address the options. I knew what had to be done. I had to decide for the two of us and I really wanted to include him in the decision making of this. I really did.

I told Roni I had made my decision and I just could not continue on this road with Eric. I could not continue the relationship or living arrangement any longer. She said that was okay. God knew what I would choose before I ever got to this point and he would still love me through it all. She explained that sometimes God gives us things to do that sometimes we just can't do but he knows that. He would not give up on me. I was relieved to have made a decision in my mind but I was also so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't strong enough to keep going. To put forth more of an effort, to fight for our relationship. But I felt the relationship was never really there.

I knew what I had to do next. I had to tell Eric my decision. Fear is not a strong enough word. Last time I felt I could do no more, I simply walked out on him. This time I had to be the adult in the situation. I had to discuss it with him. So one evening in late October I was at the table and he was in the living room. I asked had he thought of the email any further? He replied he had not there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him then he left me no other option but to decide for the both of us and I decided that I could not go on any further with this arrangement. He would need to move out and we continue on as the divorced parents we are to our children. Never in the 11 years that I had known him did I ever feel that he would ever hit me physically until this night. He came around the corner at me and had his finger in my face yelling and screaming that I would not do this to him again. I froze and could not move, if he was going to hit me it would have very easy for him to do so.

This was the beginning of many more discussions.