I finished out my appointments with Dr. L. It was so very hard to keep going into her office and seeing things disappear. I had grown accustomed to the bookcases and could find books easily that I had burned holes in with my eyes to keep from retreating into my cave. The four chairs and electric fireplace with the pictures on top. Each week as things started to leave the office made it more real that she was leaving. I had tried to ignore that little fact. I wanted to just go on as if it wasn't happening because goodbyes hurt. People always left my life it seemed. So if I didn't think about it then I wouldn't get engaged in it and it wouldn't hurt! She and I had yet to talk about her move but finally in the last 3 weeks we did. She started to tell me about her new job waiting for her. She would tell me about the things she was looking forward to doing when she got there such as hiking and eventually writing a book about her practice. I wondered if I would make in the book as the most introverted human being she had experienced! After talking for a bit about her move to Alaska I would change the subject. She would ask why and I told her I don't like goodbyes, they are never good. She said that maybe this was God's way of showing me a 'good' goodbye because they can happen. Its not always because someone walks out of your life because of something bad. People grow and people change and therefore people may leave to go after their dreams, they may get married and go with their husbands, etc. I couldn't feel it, I refused to feel the emotions of her leaving while I was in the office with her but she could read them on my face and in my body language. She knew that I was really struggling to stay in the moment with her when all I really wanted to do was run screaming out of the office into my cave and ignore that she was leaving.
Our last meeting was the Wednesday the evening before Thanksgiving. She looked at me and asked me if I was really in the office with her or was I in my cave. I told her I was in the cave. She asked me to come out to try and enjoy our last hour together. Good goodbyes are that they are good. They are bittersweet and its OK to feel sad. Its okay to cry and grieve the loss of a new friendship. But its not a loss, the friendship will remain. I can still send her an email every now and then to update her on my status. That wasn't enough though, I wanted to keep meeting with her. I wanted to be her friend because she was someone I liked and trusted. Being a nurse I knew that could never happen due to the patient/doctor relationship rules. That's crossing the line. She told me that for one year there could not be much contact but she would respond to my emails if I had a crisis or something. She couldn't advise me though. I knew that but it still hurt and it confused me so much. I mean, I hated going into her office, I hated talking about me and my problems, I hated opening up and facing the demons of my past that held me captive for so many years but I grew to like her.
After our last meeting I went to our Thanksgiving Eve service at church. It was so hard and I needed a hug from Roni. I just needed to be hugged and told I would be okay, things would be okay. I needed to know she wasn't leaving too. She knows me so well and told me that she wasn't leaving but she won't be this person in my life forever. But of course I wouldn't hear that from her. She told me to be sad for a bit but to pick up and move forward there really are 'good' goodbyes.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Women's Retreat at Woodland Lakes
Oh my goodness! I had no idea what to expect from this weekend. That's probably good because I may not have gone. The retreat was held at the church camp I went to as a child. It brought back some pleasant memories! We all slept in the big dorm room under the center and we were in the old wooden bunkbeds! God was already at the retreat ready to meet me. He knew I was scared and nervous. When I walked over to the main chapel I noticed all the chairs were around the room in a circle and I immediately found Betty! Next thing I noticed was a long line of chairs set up facing one another in 2 rows and we were given a question on a piece of paper when we arrived. Roni saw me and asked me how I was and I told her I was fine until I saw this set up and realized we were going to do some sort of one on one discussion with people. She told me to stop it, its not bad. I guess maybe she could read my face and she told me it was a game similar to speed dating where each person has 30 seconds to ask and answer each others questions. Thats all it is. Its an ice breaker of sorts. It didn't help much but Betty said to me to keep an open mind this weekend. Just be open.
God worked so very hard on me in the next 22 hours while at the retreat! I cried so many times and just let the dam break finally. We had a lot of times alone with God and I used every minute of them to connect with him! I finally gave Betty the letter I had written telling her how much I loved her but I was unable to tell her out loud. The words were so very scary to me. She said the letter was enough for now.
God used so many people this weekend to talk to me, to show me his love so that I would know without a doubt I was not alone. He spoke with Roni, Valeri and Betty the whole time. It was wearing me out but it was invigorating at the same time. I spent some time outside with Roni talking at one point and she called me out on something when I said I didn't know who I was. She told me to stop lying to myself because I did know I just had to choose to believe it! More words from God straight to my heart!
I left the retreat feeling completely energized and overwhelmed all at once!
God worked so very hard on me in the next 22 hours while at the retreat! I cried so many times and just let the dam break finally. We had a lot of times alone with God and I used every minute of them to connect with him! I finally gave Betty the letter I had written telling her how much I loved her but I was unable to tell her out loud. The words were so very scary to me. She said the letter was enough for now.
God used so many people this weekend to talk to me, to show me his love so that I would know without a doubt I was not alone. He spoke with Roni, Valeri and Betty the whole time. It was wearing me out but it was invigorating at the same time. I spent some time outside with Roni talking at one point and she called me out on something when I said I didn't know who I was. She told me to stop lying to myself because I did know I just had to choose to believe it! More words from God straight to my heart!
I left the retreat feeling completely energized and overwhelmed all at once!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
lots of hard work!
The next 8 weeks were the most challenging, heart wrenching, terrifying, rewarding weeks of my life up to that point. The anxiety was through the roof again but I kept saying I would do whatever it takes. I wish I could remember now what I used to say but it was something about we had 8 weeks to 'fix' me, I had to make it count. God turned up the fire to full blast! He was no longer nudging me down the road. He had a hold of my hand and was pulling me hard!
I had homework from Dr. L. I thought Roni's homework was crazy sometimes but I think these two women were two peas in a pod! Dr. L asked me to describe myself to her and I couldn't do it. I thought of things like coward, introverted, fearful, failure. So she told me to ask a number of close friends to tell me who they thought I was, what did they see in me? This was very hard for me to do. We were also getting challenges from church at the same time such as the 'no regrets week' and then the 'love challenge'--we tell someone we love them and why. Now this assignment! And I had a deadline! 1 week. So I sent emails out to friends but not to Roni. She had told me these things in the past and I wanted to hear from others who were not really in the up close and personal arena in my therapy. The responses were overwhelming to me and I had such a hard time believing them! They couldn't be talking about me!
They used words like courageous, determined, strong, patient, etc. These words did not describe me! I was a coward on all levels. I was so weak I could barely stand it seemed. These people obviously didn't know me like they thought or I was extremely good at hiding what was really inside of me. I was told by one of these friends and by Dr. L that I was not able to decipher these at truth or not. They are truth I just need to find it inside of me again. The depression was keeping me from seeing the truth, the lies I had been believing for so many years were preventing me from seeing the truth.
The love challenge at church was happening around this same time. This was completely overwhelming me! I told my kids and I told my Aunt Phyllis that I loved them. That was it. Occassionally I would tell my Aunts kids, but as a routine I didn't. Dr. L wanted me to do this challenge also. Another part of the homework. She said it wasn't as scary as I made it out to be. Roni told me the same thing. She said until I do it, the fear won't go away.
At first Roni and I talked about it being Robb and Sandy that I start with because they were all the time telling me they loved me. I was about to spend the afternoon with them and when the time came I just couldn't do it. Then I thought I would tell Betty. She was my 'safe' person. She was telling me each time she saw me, talked to me on the phone etc. Roni thought she was perfect! I had many opportunities but again, I failed. I couldn't do it. I think Roni asked why and I told her I was afraid to tell them because people I loved have always left. What if I told them but it wasn't really real coming back to me. She told me to do it anyway. The words just would not come. I was feeling like I would never be able to tell anyone. So what did I do? I wrote it out!
I wrote out what I wanted to say to Betty and I read it a few times but still the words would not come. We had our women's retreat and I had this tucked away in my Bible. One of the sessions to get with God at the retreat I went outside. It was early morning and it was frosty outside. I had taken a quilt with me so I took it outside too! I was out there a while and Betty came to join me. We were sitting on a swing just enjoying the wildlife at the camp and the frost on the trees. We were okay to sit quietly. I took out my paper and again, I couldn't read the words out loud to her but I let her read it herself. We were both crying and that wasn't too smart when it was in the 30's outside! But now she knew that I did love her, that I was scared to say the words out loud and she said that this letter was good enough for now. When I was able to she knew I would say it.
The retreat was a whole other piece of my healing and that will be a post all by itself! man oh man I was on a major roller coaster!
I wrote out
I had homework from Dr. L. I thought Roni's homework was crazy sometimes but I think these two women were two peas in a pod! Dr. L asked me to describe myself to her and I couldn't do it. I thought of things like coward, introverted, fearful, failure. So she told me to ask a number of close friends to tell me who they thought I was, what did they see in me? This was very hard for me to do. We were also getting challenges from church at the same time such as the 'no regrets week' and then the 'love challenge'--we tell someone we love them and why. Now this assignment! And I had a deadline! 1 week. So I sent emails out to friends but not to Roni. She had told me these things in the past and I wanted to hear from others who were not really in the up close and personal arena in my therapy. The responses were overwhelming to me and I had such a hard time believing them! They couldn't be talking about me!
They used words like courageous, determined, strong, patient, etc. These words did not describe me! I was a coward on all levels. I was so weak I could barely stand it seemed. These people obviously didn't know me like they thought or I was extremely good at hiding what was really inside of me. I was told by one of these friends and by Dr. L that I was not able to decipher these at truth or not. They are truth I just need to find it inside of me again. The depression was keeping me from seeing the truth, the lies I had been believing for so many years were preventing me from seeing the truth.
The love challenge at church was happening around this same time. This was completely overwhelming me! I told my kids and I told my Aunt Phyllis that I loved them. That was it. Occassionally I would tell my Aunts kids, but as a routine I didn't. Dr. L wanted me to do this challenge also. Another part of the homework. She said it wasn't as scary as I made it out to be. Roni told me the same thing. She said until I do it, the fear won't go away.
At first Roni and I talked about it being Robb and Sandy that I start with because they were all the time telling me they loved me. I was about to spend the afternoon with them and when the time came I just couldn't do it. Then I thought I would tell Betty. She was my 'safe' person. She was telling me each time she saw me, talked to me on the phone etc. Roni thought she was perfect! I had many opportunities but again, I failed. I couldn't do it. I think Roni asked why and I told her I was afraid to tell them because people I loved have always left. What if I told them but it wasn't really real coming back to me. She told me to do it anyway. The words just would not come. I was feeling like I would never be able to tell anyone. So what did I do? I wrote it out!
I wrote out what I wanted to say to Betty and I read it a few times but still the words would not come. We had our women's retreat and I had this tucked away in my Bible. One of the sessions to get with God at the retreat I went outside. It was early morning and it was frosty outside. I had taken a quilt with me so I took it outside too! I was out there a while and Betty came to join me. We were sitting on a swing just enjoying the wildlife at the camp and the frost on the trees. We were okay to sit quietly. I took out my paper and again, I couldn't read the words out loud to her but I let her read it herself. We were both crying and that wasn't too smart when it was in the 30's outside! But now she knew that I did love her, that I was scared to say the words out loud and she said that this letter was good enough for now. When I was able to she knew I would say it.
The retreat was a whole other piece of my healing and that will be a post all by itself! man oh man I was on a major roller coaster!
I wrote out
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Deer Creek and God!
When I went to Deer Creek, I took my laptop, my bible and my camera. My phone didn't work there, my laptop didn't get internet service and the weather was perfect! When I arrived, I got the last room available and it was on the water side of the building even though I didn 't sit on the balcony. I immediately set to work. I was going to meet God somewhere that weekend and my hope was that it was going to be a long long meeting. I went for a walk on the grounds and they were beautiful. I took lots and lots of pictures just watching nature. My mind started to settle down. I took out my laptop and started typing. In a 24 hour time frame I typed about 18 pages of thoughts. The anger came out, the fear came out, the disappointment came out.
When I left Dr. Lyall's office just a few days before I told her I didn't know if I would be back or not. What was the point in continuing to open up to her, to keep going deeper into the pit of darkness to find the light if she was leaving. What was the point in starting all over again with someone new if it was going to take 6 months for me to open up to them also. She told me she wouldn't take my appointments off just yet but I can call her if I decided not to come back. I was okay with that. So while at Deer Creek I wrote alot about these appointments and my feelings that we really hadn't done a whole lot. I was still as messed up in the head over my mother and my past. I cried to God, I pleaded with him to please tell me what to do. If I went back to these appointments then please let there be some break through in my emotional well being because I was literally about to crack! I was barely functioning again and it hurt!
I felt so abandoned again. I went right back to the feeling that everytime I begin to trust someone they leave! I was terrified again and panicked that Roni would leave also. It was not a good time for me. I sent Roni and Dr. Lyall the 18 pages I had typed that weekend. They said it was a great work! I couldn't see it.
I did go back to the appointments with Dr. Lyall. We had 8 more weeks to work to get me well! I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was scared and the anxiety was back in full force it seemed. By the time Dr. Lyall was leaving there had been more progress in my healing than there had been in the previous 6 months! It was a very stressful, emotionally draining, rewarding time! So many things started happening inside of me. I need to go back and read the emails and the journal entries so that I can get the facts straight to write them out here.
When I left Dr. Lyall's office just a few days before I told her I didn't know if I would be back or not. What was the point in continuing to open up to her, to keep going deeper into the pit of darkness to find the light if she was leaving. What was the point in starting all over again with someone new if it was going to take 6 months for me to open up to them also. She told me she wouldn't take my appointments off just yet but I can call her if I decided not to come back. I was okay with that. So while at Deer Creek I wrote alot about these appointments and my feelings that we really hadn't done a whole lot. I was still as messed up in the head over my mother and my past. I cried to God, I pleaded with him to please tell me what to do. If I went back to these appointments then please let there be some break through in my emotional well being because I was literally about to crack! I was barely functioning again and it hurt!
I felt so abandoned again. I went right back to the feeling that everytime I begin to trust someone they leave! I was terrified again and panicked that Roni would leave also. It was not a good time for me. I sent Roni and Dr. Lyall the 18 pages I had typed that weekend. They said it was a great work! I couldn't see it.
I did go back to the appointments with Dr. Lyall. We had 8 more weeks to work to get me well! I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was scared and the anxiety was back in full force it seemed. By the time Dr. Lyall was leaving there had been more progress in my healing than there had been in the previous 6 months! It was a very stressful, emotionally draining, rewarding time! So many things started happening inside of me. I need to go back and read the emails and the journal entries so that I can get the facts straight to write them out here.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Things started to change!
Well its been a while since I have written anything. I think I hit that wall again trying to forget all of it. But also I have been very busy with vacation to Disney and then a mission trip to Joplin, Mo.
So at the end of the last post I had gone back on my medications, they were changed up again to a completely different class of medication. They started working and I started feeling better. I continued in my weekly therapy sessions. I still hated these appointments, oh how I hated them! But something was starting to happen. I was really beginning to like Dr. Lyall as a person. Not my therapist. I wanted her to be a friend not a doctor. I started to open up a little easier to her week by week. I still did a lot of emailing to her that we would talk about at the appointments but it was easier. I was trusting her, I wasn't hiding as much.
Then it happened.
Sometime in September Dr.L told me that she and her family were moving to Alaska. Something they had always wanted to do and so on December 1, 2010 she would be closing her practice for good. She told me at the end of the appointment which was good because I immediately withdrew from her. She saw it on my face and in my posture. She said we would talk through it. We would keep working. She would refer me to someone else whom she felt would be just as good for me. She asked me to please come back out of my cave to talk to her about it. It was too late. I was in my cave and I refused to come out. I still cry about it now as I think about it.
I was so hurt, so angry, so lost, so sad. All of this, all at the same time. I was completely overwhelmed and I shut down. I couldn't work, I wasn't eating great and I could barely take care of my kids in my mind. I immediately called Roni and what I remember is that she didn't understand why I was so upset. People come and go, its normal. It will be okay! Just stop and breathe!
I was so angry at God! How could this happen? I finally started to come out of my cave, I finally started to trust her and what she wanted me to do with her. I began to face some really big hurdles but I still felt like I had not made a lot of improvement. I decided I needed to get away and process this newest development.
I went to Deer Creek State Park in Columbus Ohio. The picture at the top of the blog is from Deer Creek. I had to get a way with God. I needed to have a meeting with him. One on one. I was mad!
So at the end of the last post I had gone back on my medications, they were changed up again to a completely different class of medication. They started working and I started feeling better. I continued in my weekly therapy sessions. I still hated these appointments, oh how I hated them! But something was starting to happen. I was really beginning to like Dr. Lyall as a person. Not my therapist. I wanted her to be a friend not a doctor. I started to open up a little easier to her week by week. I still did a lot of emailing to her that we would talk about at the appointments but it was easier. I was trusting her, I wasn't hiding as much.
Then it happened.
Sometime in September Dr.L told me that she and her family were moving to Alaska. Something they had always wanted to do and so on December 1, 2010 she would be closing her practice for good. She told me at the end of the appointment which was good because I immediately withdrew from her. She saw it on my face and in my posture. She said we would talk through it. We would keep working. She would refer me to someone else whom she felt would be just as good for me. She asked me to please come back out of my cave to talk to her about it. It was too late. I was in my cave and I refused to come out. I still cry about it now as I think about it.
I was so hurt, so angry, so lost, so sad. All of this, all at the same time. I was completely overwhelmed and I shut down. I couldn't work, I wasn't eating great and I could barely take care of my kids in my mind. I immediately called Roni and what I remember is that she didn't understand why I was so upset. People come and go, its normal. It will be okay! Just stop and breathe!
I was so angry at God! How could this happen? I finally started to come out of my cave, I finally started to trust her and what she wanted me to do with her. I began to face some really big hurdles but I still felt like I had not made a lot of improvement. I decided I needed to get away and process this newest development.
I went to Deer Creek State Park in Columbus Ohio. The picture at the top of the blog is from Deer Creek. I had to get a way with God. I needed to have a meeting with him. One on one. I was mad!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
PARALYZED
As soon as the letter went into the mail slot I wanted to reach in and grab it! About the time I thought she would have received the letter my anxiety took control of me and I was completely and utterly paralyzed with fear! I became the young girl who just went against her mother and just knew that the punishment was on its way. It didn't matter to me that I was 40 years old and had not had any contact with my mom in 9 years. I could hear her saying ''how dare you, who do you think you are talking too?" I knew she was going to reply and it was going to be ugly. I was terrified to check my mail and if my voicemail light was blinking I was afraid to check it. I checked the caller ID whenever the phone would ring. I was scared to death and it was affecting my ability to function.!
Roni and I talked through this time and she told me that IF I were to get a response to give it to her to read first. Let her be the buffer between me and the letter. I told her that was a good idea but I hope that I would be able to wait to give her the letter. Between Roni and Dr. L, I was told to keep in mind that my mom cannot do anything to me any longer. I have control over how I react to things. She doesnt have control over me. I am an adult and I am able to have adult conversations with another adult EVEN if that adult is my mother. But I would envision her getting the letter and I would play out this very nasty scene in my mind. Over and over again. Roni asked me to rewrite that script-rewrite the scene to play out differently. But I couldn't. I didn't know any other reaction from her and the anxiety in me was preventing me the ability to see anything else! It was horrible!
Somewhere around this time I had weaned myself off all my meds. I hated the meds, I hated the way I felt with the side effects, I was a walking zombie somedays. I started to feel better mood wise so I weaned them slowly until I was off of them. It was about 4 weeks later that I started spiraling down again. Roni noticed the sadness in my emails to her. I stopped wanting to do anything with my friends Robb and Sandy and opted to just stay home all the time. When I had the kids it was so incredibly hard to make myself do something with them, the slightest activity absolutely wore me out! Roni started saying things to me that maybe it was because I needed my medication, maybe I should restart them. I fought it for 2 more weeks because I just really hated them! When I restarted them I started out very slow, low dosing for a week or so then gradually built back up to the dose I was on previously. I started having the side effects again but this time even worse than before! Heart palpitations, anxiety even worse, insomnia-I would sleep maybe 2 hours a night-when I did sleep I had horrible nightmares and thoughts of doing self harm. So I had to go back to the doctor. He changed the medications altogether. I cried in his office. We kept going up on meds, we finally changed classes of medications but I felt hopeless as if nothing could help me feel better. He told me to stop the one med immediatly because the withdrawl side effects were not as bad as what I was feeling. He started me on another med and we started low but eventually had to go up and it was up to its max point. This depressed me even more. My mind and body were in a war and my mind was winning, my body was failing me. Not only did he max out the one medication he added another one! Such a blow to me! I felt awful because I knew I was maxed on one, needed more to help because I couldn't help myself! I would cry in emails to Roni about the meds and she finally gave me a stern 'get over it' response! Telling me that lots of people need lots of meds and I already KNOW that, so I needed to get past it. Take the meds, stop thinking about them and let them work! After a few weeks my mood started changing again, this time for the good. But the meds were not without side effects! I just had to decide could I live with them.
Roni and I talked through this time and she told me that IF I were to get a response to give it to her to read first. Let her be the buffer between me and the letter. I told her that was a good idea but I hope that I would be able to wait to give her the letter. Between Roni and Dr. L, I was told to keep in mind that my mom cannot do anything to me any longer. I have control over how I react to things. She doesnt have control over me. I am an adult and I am able to have adult conversations with another adult EVEN if that adult is my mother. But I would envision her getting the letter and I would play out this very nasty scene in my mind. Over and over again. Roni asked me to rewrite that script-rewrite the scene to play out differently. But I couldn't. I didn't know any other reaction from her and the anxiety in me was preventing me the ability to see anything else! It was horrible!
Somewhere around this time I had weaned myself off all my meds. I hated the meds, I hated the way I felt with the side effects, I was a walking zombie somedays. I started to feel better mood wise so I weaned them slowly until I was off of them. It was about 4 weeks later that I started spiraling down again. Roni noticed the sadness in my emails to her. I stopped wanting to do anything with my friends Robb and Sandy and opted to just stay home all the time. When I had the kids it was so incredibly hard to make myself do something with them, the slightest activity absolutely wore me out! Roni started saying things to me that maybe it was because I needed my medication, maybe I should restart them. I fought it for 2 more weeks because I just really hated them! When I restarted them I started out very slow, low dosing for a week or so then gradually built back up to the dose I was on previously. I started having the side effects again but this time even worse than before! Heart palpitations, anxiety even worse, insomnia-I would sleep maybe 2 hours a night-when I did sleep I had horrible nightmares and thoughts of doing self harm. So I had to go back to the doctor. He changed the medications altogether. I cried in his office. We kept going up on meds, we finally changed classes of medications but I felt hopeless as if nothing could help me feel better. He told me to stop the one med immediatly because the withdrawl side effects were not as bad as what I was feeling. He started me on another med and we started low but eventually had to go up and it was up to its max point. This depressed me even more. My mind and body were in a war and my mind was winning, my body was failing me. Not only did he max out the one medication he added another one! Such a blow to me! I felt awful because I knew I was maxed on one, needed more to help because I couldn't help myself! I would cry in emails to Roni about the meds and she finally gave me a stern 'get over it' response! Telling me that lots of people need lots of meds and I already KNOW that, so I needed to get past it. Take the meds, stop thinking about them and let them work! After a few weeks my mood started changing again, this time for the good. But the meds were not without side effects! I just had to decide could I live with them.
Friday, July 1, 2011
All my fault
I truly believed it was all my fault. It was because of things I didn't do right and things I did that made me happy, not her. ALL MY FAULT that she didn't love me, that she didn't want anything to do with me. I must have been a horrible daughter. Why else would a mother walk away from her child? Did she ever really love me? Did she ever really want me? Did she ever think about me? How could she love my sister and all her mistakes but push me away when I messed up?
These are things that went through my mind all the time as well as the tremendous amount of heartache that I had to hide in order to survive. I had to hide the hurt and put up a big brave front for everyone. No one could know that deep inside of me, my heart was broken. I was alone. I was scared of so many things. But I had to be the strong person who could handle whatever was thrown my way.
I learned to answer people with 'its her loss' but even though I said those words out loud, I was crying on the inside. I had lost so much I thought. Even though there was nothing but dysfunction in the family, it was still family. Right? It was still my mom?
When Roni and I talked one day about me not being able to read the letter out loud to Dr. L she asked me a question about what would I say to a child who asked me why their parent wasn't involved or stated it was their fault their parent wasn't involved? I said its not that child's fault at all. She said then why is it my fault my mom walked away? I don't know I said. Her response was that I was able to look at the other situation as an adult but when I speak of my mom I am back at 12 years of age and cannot look at any of it as the adult I am today. She was exactly right! So I had to become an adult and quick in order to look at things through different lenses!
This all began a time where I was given a list from Roni that she told me to read out loud everyday as many times a day as I could. It ended with 'its not my fault that...' and it listed many things! She wanted me to read it out loud to hear the words spoken by my own voice in hopes that I would begin believing it! I took the list to Dr. L one day and she had me read it out loud also! She asked if I believed what I was saying--not exactly! I could not get past the lie I had convinced myself to be true, that it was my fault my mother walked away from me.
Roni had a suggestion to try to help me look at my story from an outsiders perspective. She asked me to write out my story in 3rd person as if I were going to read the story and analyze a patient to try to help them. She was onto something with this because I am a helper/fixer type of person. But this was incredibly hard to do, to write my story as if I were looking in from a window. It took me months before I could pick up this little project and actually complete it.
I finally decided to write a new letter to my mom. I wanted to actually send it this time. But I needed lots of help in writing it! I took back the 6 page letter from Roni to try and piece meal a new letter. She didn't like it, it sounded like I chopped up a different letter. There was no flow to it and it didn't make sense. Plus it was full of emotionally charged language. So I started over. I did this many times until I finally had a 1 page typed letter that told her how I felt and did not place blame on anyone. It told her where I was at emotionally. It was a calm letter.
Now what was I supposed to do with it????
I took it to Dr. L's office and showed it to her. She thought it was a good letter also. Roni and I talked about it and how I might feel if I don't get a response. Was I looking for a response to this or was I just wanting to let her know my feelings? I told her I didn't expect a response but thought I would get one with a negative or condescending tone to it because I was not allowed to tell my mom how I really felt. She wasn't sure I would get one because even though I had been processing this stuff it was quite possible my mom never did and she wouldn't be ready to respond for a long time if ever. Roni and Dr. L left it to me to decide to mail it of course. Dr. L said she could put it in the mail if I couldn't but wanted to. I chose to take the letter with me and pray about it some more because my anxiety over it was through the roof!
I MAILED THE LETTER!
One morning I walked out to the mail box and put it in the slot. I watched it fall from my fingers and immediately I felt as if I could throw up!
WHAT HAD I JUST DONE!
WAS I CRAZY?!
I'M GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!
Yep, all these things went through my head!
These are things that went through my mind all the time as well as the tremendous amount of heartache that I had to hide in order to survive. I had to hide the hurt and put up a big brave front for everyone. No one could know that deep inside of me, my heart was broken. I was alone. I was scared of so many things. But I had to be the strong person who could handle whatever was thrown my way.
I learned to answer people with 'its her loss' but even though I said those words out loud, I was crying on the inside. I had lost so much I thought. Even though there was nothing but dysfunction in the family, it was still family. Right? It was still my mom?
When Roni and I talked one day about me not being able to read the letter out loud to Dr. L she asked me a question about what would I say to a child who asked me why their parent wasn't involved or stated it was their fault their parent wasn't involved? I said its not that child's fault at all. She said then why is it my fault my mom walked away? I don't know I said. Her response was that I was able to look at the other situation as an adult but when I speak of my mom I am back at 12 years of age and cannot look at any of it as the adult I am today. She was exactly right! So I had to become an adult and quick in order to look at things through different lenses!
This all began a time where I was given a list from Roni that she told me to read out loud everyday as many times a day as I could. It ended with 'its not my fault that...' and it listed many things! She wanted me to read it out loud to hear the words spoken by my own voice in hopes that I would begin believing it! I took the list to Dr. L one day and she had me read it out loud also! She asked if I believed what I was saying--not exactly! I could not get past the lie I had convinced myself to be true, that it was my fault my mother walked away from me.
Roni had a suggestion to try to help me look at my story from an outsiders perspective. She asked me to write out my story in 3rd person as if I were going to read the story and analyze a patient to try to help them. She was onto something with this because I am a helper/fixer type of person. But this was incredibly hard to do, to write my story as if I were looking in from a window. It took me months before I could pick up this little project and actually complete it.
I finally decided to write a new letter to my mom. I wanted to actually send it this time. But I needed lots of help in writing it! I took back the 6 page letter from Roni to try and piece meal a new letter. She didn't like it, it sounded like I chopped up a different letter. There was no flow to it and it didn't make sense. Plus it was full of emotionally charged language. So I started over. I did this many times until I finally had a 1 page typed letter that told her how I felt and did not place blame on anyone. It told her where I was at emotionally. It was a calm letter.
Now what was I supposed to do with it????
I took it to Dr. L's office and showed it to her. She thought it was a good letter also. Roni and I talked about it and how I might feel if I don't get a response. Was I looking for a response to this or was I just wanting to let her know my feelings? I told her I didn't expect a response but thought I would get one with a negative or condescending tone to it because I was not allowed to tell my mom how I really felt. She wasn't sure I would get one because even though I had been processing this stuff it was quite possible my mom never did and she wouldn't be ready to respond for a long time if ever. Roni and Dr. L left it to me to decide to mail it of course. Dr. L said she could put it in the mail if I couldn't but wanted to. I chose to take the letter with me and pray about it some more because my anxiety over it was through the roof!
I MAILED THE LETTER!
One morning I walked out to the mail box and put it in the slot. I watched it fall from my fingers and immediately I felt as if I could throw up!
WHAT HAD I JUST DONE!
WAS I CRAZY?!
I'M GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!
Yep, all these things went through my head!
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