When I started meeting Dr. L, I thought that walking in her door for the first time was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. Hmmm, not so. Facing the fears inside of me, head on, was so much more terrifying! Dr. L was different than the counselor that Eric and I went to, she could look at me and see the tension, the fear, the anxiety. We would sit down and the first thing she would do was ask if we needed to pray, and then she would. She would ask me routinely where was I? Was I in the room with her or in my cave? The majority of the time I was in my cave.
What is this place--my cave?
This is a place where I go internally to hide. I take my emotions and my feelings and I literally check out of reality for a while. This is a place where I learned to go at a very young age. Much younger than most ever knew. This was a place where I felt safe, I felt secure and could express my own feelings because they never left the cave. They were never allowed to be vocalized. As a child I did not have an opinion. I wasn't allowed an opinion. It was mom's way and that was the final answer.
How did she know that was where I was going???? I guess the closing of my eyes, rubbing my forehead and closing my body in on itself by holding my arms and crossing my legs or tucking them under me and literally almost tying myself up into a knot was a really good clue! And of course the absolute silence from me! Roni saw this many times and the way she brought me back was to talk to me. At time she would read various scriptures to me until I would come back to her and then we would talk some more.
Dr. L asked me to describe what I saw when I was in my cave. What was surrounding me? It was dark so I couldn't see. It had very tall walls, no windows and a single door. It was only big enough for me.
She asked me where was God when I was in this cave? I told her I didn't know because he wasn't in there with me. She asked where was God when I was a young girl and started feeling the way I did about my mom? I said I had no idea. I didn't really know who he was back then, I knew about him, but I didn't know him. She asked would I let him in my cave with me? I told her, no. There was only room for me. She asked would I think about inviting him to come inside because he would make room. He was safe. He wanted to come inside with me. I think this was one of the few times I cried in her office. I was in this cave, I could hear her talk to me and I answered her with one word answers because that was all I had in me to give. She kept asking me the same question but many different ways it seemed. She kept telling me how much God loved me and wanted me to let him in so he could help me. I was closing myself off to him also.
God I need you! I was screaming this in my mind but I was holding him at arms length! That was safe. I had control of that. I didn't know if I could let him in with me or not. He had proven to me numerous times already that he was safe, he was bigger than all my problems, he was always with me but now it was up to me to let him into a place inside of me that had been off limits to everyone! The only person who was ever really allowed to see inside of me into this place was Roni. She knew all the things that were hidden on shelves, corners, closets etc. She was at a point that she could no longer help me and that is why she wanted Dr. L involved. She knew God was already there I needed to join him!
Through discussions with Roni and Dr. L it was determined that there were really 2 main issues going on inside of me that I was battling against and hiding from. The first was disownment and the second was childhood. It was decided that we should possibly focus on one at a time and disownment seemed to be the easier of the two evils. Panic and anxiety became my newest state of being as we began to go down this road....
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Meeting Dr. L
March 31st, 2010
This is the day of my first appointment with Dr. L, psychologist. Terrified doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling. Roni and I had even written out a script for me to use to tell her about me because I wasn't sure I would be able to say anything at all. When I walked in the office it was a small quaint room with a couch and chairs with music playing. On the table were magazines and also a clipboard with papers to be filled out for new patients. I was early as usual so I began filling out the papers. HARD questions! Did I really need to tell her these things? Was it really going to be ok? Would she think I was a total nut case for the way I think? After a few minutes she came out of her office and she was a tiny little thing with with a warm smile. I went in and sat down, she sat across from me. I was shaking I was so scared at this point. I really thought I would throw up but that wouldn't have been a good first impression now would it?! She introduced herself and just started with general conversation to loosen things up a bit. She explained what I could expect and after the first few visits she would make her assessment and plan.
Those early visits were question/answer type visits so she could get some history. It was very exhausting to me to answer her questions. I would routinely run and hide in my cave, close my eyes and rub my forehead. By doing this I closed myself off completely to her. She kept trying to bring me out of it and sometimes she did, others not so much. But I would listen to her. She kept telling me I could email her if I wanted and we could discuss the email at the next appointment. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as number of visits etc. but she scheduled me weekly, indefinitely. I was crushed. But I scheduled them.
She asked me why was at her office, what did I want to work on? I explained that after Eric left my mind was flooded with all the other things I had shelved for so long. Namely the issues with my mother. She of course asked about those and the easiest thing to talk about was how she couldn't handle the fact that Eric is black and she was basically ashamed of us. So she chose to not be a part of our lives after I gave her the ultimatum all of us or none of us. After a bit I think I told her more about growing up and the things from childhood that bothered me. Alot of it was on the questionnaire she had me fill out that I did eventually give to her. She asked had I written my mom a letter. I told her I had but was told by Roni I wasn't allowed to mail it. She asked if I would bring it in for her to read. I think I initially told her no but then Roni set me straight again saying Dr. L cannot help me if I do not let her inside my head and heart. She told me to take her the letter. I did and it was so scary handing over that letter. I was uncomfortable that she had so much information about me. I was full of irrational fears about what would happen to me because I gave her so much information.
I began having nightmares and bad dreams that my mom was in. Dr. L would talk to me about these trying to get to the root of the issue with me. She worked hard to get her payment from me but she was good at getting me to eventually open up and talk. I was getting more comfortable but not completely.
These appointments went on for the next 6 months on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think they helped and sometimes I wondered what they were doing if anything. But I kept going. I told Roni I wouldn't quit. It was the hardest 6 months of my life. Little did I know it was about to get harder!
Don't get me wrong the first 6 months were incredibly hard on me. I had many ups and downs, medication changes and deletions. I weaned off of them completely at one point only to need them again weeks later. When I restarted them my body went crazy and the side effects were horrible to the point of another office visit with my medical doctor and those meds stopped immediately and I was placed on something stronger. Talk about a blow to the attitude. That was tough.
Sometime around May or maybe June, Dr. L asked if I was ready to truly face my mom. She would role play or she would ask me to visualize my mom in the room with us and when she did I immediately hid. I was in my cave and refused to come out. Irrational or not, it was real to me. She asked what did I want to do with the letter I had written her, how about a 'funeral' of sorts for it. I told her that until I think she is told what she has done to me I wouldn't be able to just walk away from it. So she said then send her a letter but I couldn't send the one I had written. In the meantime I had given Roni this long letter to keep for me because I was afraid I would send it as it was written. I deleted it from my computer so I couldn't reprint it. I told Roni about this session with Dr. L and I asked her for my letter back so I could try to rewrite it. She asked what was my motive? Was it to make her hurt or to tell her my feelings? I told her my feelings but if that hurt her then so be it. We had a lot of work still do didn't we???? She gave me the letter and I told her I would need her help making the new one 'sendable'.
I set out on this new mission but in the meantime the emotions of reading the letter and all the churning of the memories was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.
This is the day of my first appointment with Dr. L, psychologist. Terrified doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling. Roni and I had even written out a script for me to use to tell her about me because I wasn't sure I would be able to say anything at all. When I walked in the office it was a small quaint room with a couch and chairs with music playing. On the table were magazines and also a clipboard with papers to be filled out for new patients. I was early as usual so I began filling out the papers. HARD questions! Did I really need to tell her these things? Was it really going to be ok? Would she think I was a total nut case for the way I think? After a few minutes she came out of her office and she was a tiny little thing with with a warm smile. I went in and sat down, she sat across from me. I was shaking I was so scared at this point. I really thought I would throw up but that wouldn't have been a good first impression now would it?! She introduced herself and just started with general conversation to loosen things up a bit. She explained what I could expect and after the first few visits she would make her assessment and plan.
Those early visits were question/answer type visits so she could get some history. It was very exhausting to me to answer her questions. I would routinely run and hide in my cave, close my eyes and rub my forehead. By doing this I closed myself off completely to her. She kept trying to bring me out of it and sometimes she did, others not so much. But I would listen to her. She kept telling me I could email her if I wanted and we could discuss the email at the next appointment. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as number of visits etc. but she scheduled me weekly, indefinitely. I was crushed. But I scheduled them.
She asked me why was at her office, what did I want to work on? I explained that after Eric left my mind was flooded with all the other things I had shelved for so long. Namely the issues with my mother. She of course asked about those and the easiest thing to talk about was how she couldn't handle the fact that Eric is black and she was basically ashamed of us. So she chose to not be a part of our lives after I gave her the ultimatum all of us or none of us. After a bit I think I told her more about growing up and the things from childhood that bothered me. Alot of it was on the questionnaire she had me fill out that I did eventually give to her. She asked had I written my mom a letter. I told her I had but was told by Roni I wasn't allowed to mail it. She asked if I would bring it in for her to read. I think I initially told her no but then Roni set me straight again saying Dr. L cannot help me if I do not let her inside my head and heart. She told me to take her the letter. I did and it was so scary handing over that letter. I was uncomfortable that she had so much information about me. I was full of irrational fears about what would happen to me because I gave her so much information.
I began having nightmares and bad dreams that my mom was in. Dr. L would talk to me about these trying to get to the root of the issue with me. She worked hard to get her payment from me but she was good at getting me to eventually open up and talk. I was getting more comfortable but not completely.
These appointments went on for the next 6 months on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think they helped and sometimes I wondered what they were doing if anything. But I kept going. I told Roni I wouldn't quit. It was the hardest 6 months of my life. Little did I know it was about to get harder!
Don't get me wrong the first 6 months were incredibly hard on me. I had many ups and downs, medication changes and deletions. I weaned off of them completely at one point only to need them again weeks later. When I restarted them my body went crazy and the side effects were horrible to the point of another office visit with my medical doctor and those meds stopped immediately and I was placed on something stronger. Talk about a blow to the attitude. That was tough.
Sometime around May or maybe June, Dr. L asked if I was ready to truly face my mom. She would role play or she would ask me to visualize my mom in the room with us and when she did I immediately hid. I was in my cave and refused to come out. Irrational or not, it was real to me. She asked what did I want to do with the letter I had written her, how about a 'funeral' of sorts for it. I told her that until I think she is told what she has done to me I wouldn't be able to just walk away from it. So she said then send her a letter but I couldn't send the one I had written. In the meantime I had given Roni this long letter to keep for me because I was afraid I would send it as it was written. I deleted it from my computer so I couldn't reprint it. I told Roni about this session with Dr. L and I asked her for my letter back so I could try to rewrite it. She asked what was my motive? Was it to make her hurt or to tell her my feelings? I told her my feelings but if that hurt her then so be it. We had a lot of work still do didn't we???? She gave me the letter and I told her I would need her help making the new one 'sendable'.
I set out on this new mission but in the meantime the emotions of reading the letter and all the churning of the memories was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.
Friday, May 6, 2011
A year of Change
2010- a new year and a lot of change!
Change scares me! I guess that's why I lived in my cave all my life afraid to face things. Let me rephrase this, change that I don't have control over the outcome scares me. Prior to Eric moving out in December I was not sleeping, I was not coping very well and I was seriously depressed. Roni talked to me again about going to the doctor to talk about getting something for the depression and the possibility of seeing a psychologist. I have battled her many times on these issues. The meds scared me and the thought of talking to a doctor brought back the fears from childhood because I was not allowed to talk about what went on behind the closed doors of our house. Finally I agreed to see my medical doctor for antidepressants. He put me on one at a low dose after I told him the ones I had tried previously that made me want to drive off a bridge! He put me on the one he said had the least side effects so I agreed to give it a try. I hated them. I cried over them, I whined to Roni constantly about how bad I felt because I needed them. She basically said suck it up and take them, you need them! I did. I took them and within a few days the side effects started-insomnia-waking many times a night, getting up for the day at 3::30am, nausea, joint pain, bad dreams, stomach pain, headache, sadness and hopelessness . But I kept taking it, I knew the side effects could be transient. By February I was on an additional med to help me sleep because sleep deprivation could be causing all of these side effects also. I started sleeping and I started to feel better but the joint pain persisted.
Eric and I were having a very hard time adjusting to the roles we were now in as divorced parents. We were mean and ugly to each other. He was living with someone else and when the kids would come home Arianna would ask me many things. He and I were still communicating through email and/or text messaging. Phone conversations usually ended badly. We would fight over the schedule that he had the kids and he seemed to battle me on each and every little thing. It was to the point that I was about to call Uncle and file our divorce decree in Ohio and force him to abide by the decree. As it was he was getting way more time with the kids the way we had been doing it but he needed to play nice or I would just hand it back over to the courts to manage. He decided to play nice.
Sometime in March my depression was beginning to get worse again! Roni was given the name of another psychologist that she passed on to me. I was still battling her on this but she said she could not talk to me about the things that were coming up in my head now. She didn't know how to counsel me. You see, after Eric left and we were in our patterns per se and things started to settle down slightly I began to have dreams of my mom. I began to obsess and focus on the fact that she wasn't in my life. I wasn't focused on Eric any longer and so the things I had pushed aside for so many years came flooding back into my head. All of the things in my head put me in a serious tailspin and I was so confused. I was angry. I was hurt. I kept asking 'why?' when there were no answers to be found to the questions I had.
I never dealt with the emotions or issues within me when my mother chose to walk away from my life. Until now.
Roni and I talked and we prayed many times and she gave me the number to call and set up an appointment with this psychologist. I did make the call and the appointment. This would be the beginning of something I'm not sure I was quite ready for but as God had proven to me so many times already I do not have to be ready for it, I just need to follow where he leads me. This was so very hard for me to do!
Change scares me! I guess that's why I lived in my cave all my life afraid to face things. Let me rephrase this, change that I don't have control over the outcome scares me. Prior to Eric moving out in December I was not sleeping, I was not coping very well and I was seriously depressed. Roni talked to me again about going to the doctor to talk about getting something for the depression and the possibility of seeing a psychologist. I have battled her many times on these issues. The meds scared me and the thought of talking to a doctor brought back the fears from childhood because I was not allowed to talk about what went on behind the closed doors of our house. Finally I agreed to see my medical doctor for antidepressants. He put me on one at a low dose after I told him the ones I had tried previously that made me want to drive off a bridge! He put me on the one he said had the least side effects so I agreed to give it a try. I hated them. I cried over them, I whined to Roni constantly about how bad I felt because I needed them. She basically said suck it up and take them, you need them! I did. I took them and within a few days the side effects started-insomnia-waking many times a night, getting up for the day at 3::30am, nausea, joint pain, bad dreams, stomach pain, headache, sadness and hopelessness . But I kept taking it, I knew the side effects could be transient. By February I was on an additional med to help me sleep because sleep deprivation could be causing all of these side effects also. I started sleeping and I started to feel better but the joint pain persisted.
Eric and I were having a very hard time adjusting to the roles we were now in as divorced parents. We were mean and ugly to each other. He was living with someone else and when the kids would come home Arianna would ask me many things. He and I were still communicating through email and/or text messaging. Phone conversations usually ended badly. We would fight over the schedule that he had the kids and he seemed to battle me on each and every little thing. It was to the point that I was about to call Uncle and file our divorce decree in Ohio and force him to abide by the decree. As it was he was getting way more time with the kids the way we had been doing it but he needed to play nice or I would just hand it back over to the courts to manage. He decided to play nice.
Sometime in March my depression was beginning to get worse again! Roni was given the name of another psychologist that she passed on to me. I was still battling her on this but she said she could not talk to me about the things that were coming up in my head now. She didn't know how to counsel me. You see, after Eric left and we were in our patterns per se and things started to settle down slightly I began to have dreams of my mom. I began to obsess and focus on the fact that she wasn't in my life. I wasn't focused on Eric any longer and so the things I had pushed aside for so many years came flooding back into my head. All of the things in my head put me in a serious tailspin and I was so confused. I was angry. I was hurt. I kept asking 'why?' when there were no answers to be found to the questions I had.
I never dealt with the emotions or issues within me when my mother chose to walk away from my life. Until now.
Roni and I talked and we prayed many times and she gave me the number to call and set up an appointment with this psychologist. I did make the call and the appointment. This would be the beginning of something I'm not sure I was quite ready for but as God had proven to me so many times already I do not have to be ready for it, I just need to follow where he leads me. This was so very hard for me to do!
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