When I started meeting Dr. L, I thought that walking in her door for the first time was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. Hmmm, not so. Facing the fears inside of me, head on, was so much more terrifying! Dr. L was different than the counselor that Eric and I went to, she could look at me and see the tension, the fear, the anxiety. We would sit down and the first thing she would do was ask if we needed to pray, and then she would. She would ask me routinely where was I? Was I in the room with her or in my cave? The majority of the time I was in my cave.
What is this place--my cave?
This is a place where I go internally to hide. I take my emotions and my feelings and I literally check out of reality for a while. This is a place where I learned to go at a very young age. Much younger than most ever knew. This was a place where I felt safe, I felt secure and could express my own feelings because they never left the cave. They were never allowed to be vocalized. As a child I did not have an opinion. I wasn't allowed an opinion. It was mom's way and that was the final answer.
How did she know that was where I was going???? I guess the closing of my eyes, rubbing my forehead and closing my body in on itself by holding my arms and crossing my legs or tucking them under me and literally almost tying myself up into a knot was a really good clue! And of course the absolute silence from me! Roni saw this many times and the way she brought me back was to talk to me. At time she would read various scriptures to me until I would come back to her and then we would talk some more.
Dr. L asked me to describe what I saw when I was in my cave. What was surrounding me? It was dark so I couldn't see. It had very tall walls, no windows and a single door. It was only big enough for me.
She asked me where was God when I was in this cave? I told her I didn't know because he wasn't in there with me. She asked where was God when I was a young girl and started feeling the way I did about my mom? I said I had no idea. I didn't really know who he was back then, I knew about him, but I didn't know him. She asked would I let him in my cave with me? I told her, no. There was only room for me. She asked would I think about inviting him to come inside because he would make room. He was safe. He wanted to come inside with me. I think this was one of the few times I cried in her office. I was in this cave, I could hear her talk to me and I answered her with one word answers because that was all I had in me to give. She kept asking me the same question but many different ways it seemed. She kept telling me how much God loved me and wanted me to let him in so he could help me. I was closing myself off to him also.
God I need you! I was screaming this in my mind but I was holding him at arms length! That was safe. I had control of that. I didn't know if I could let him in with me or not. He had proven to me numerous times already that he was safe, he was bigger than all my problems, he was always with me but now it was up to me to let him into a place inside of me that had been off limits to everyone! The only person who was ever really allowed to see inside of me into this place was Roni. She knew all the things that were hidden on shelves, corners, closets etc. She was at a point that she could no longer help me and that is why she wanted Dr. L involved. She knew God was already there I needed to join him!
Through discussions with Roni and Dr. L it was determined that there were really 2 main issues going on inside of me that I was battling against and hiding from. The first was disownment and the second was childhood. It was decided that we should possibly focus on one at a time and disownment seemed to be the easier of the two evils. Panic and anxiety became my newest state of being as we began to go down this road....
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