Disownment

It  has been weeks since I've written last. We are getting to a place that was so very hard to deal with because it meant I had to accept it and move on. There had to be action taken. I had to trust. I had to trust that Dr. L really was trying to help me and not use against me any information I might tell her. I had to trust myself that I would really put forth the effort to finally face these issues. I had to trust God to be with me at all times no matter what.

When I was pregnant with Arianna in 1998/99 I came to Cincinnati at Thanksgiving. I was going to see my Dad and go to my Aunt Phyllis' house for Thanksgiving day. When I went to my Dad's, I took a photo album of me and my ex husband. Up to this point I had not told him that he was black. We'd only been together ~6 months at that time. My Dad looked at the photo album at the end of our visit and he looked at me and asked 'is he black?' I said yes, he is black.  My Dad closed the album and gave it back to me. He said nothing. I was getting ready to leave so I went ahead and got my things. Dad walked me to the car and I asked him was he still planning on going to Phyllis' for dinner the next day? He replied,'no, I don't think I will be going'. So I got in the car and I drove down the driveway. That was the last time I have seen my father. November 1998.

I knew he would have a problem with it, with the biracial relationship. I was hoping that he would come around so he could be near his grandchild. This never happened. He has never seen his grandchildren and most likely has not seen a picture either.

I went on to my Aunt's house to see her and spend time with my cousins. They did not seem to care who the father of my child was, that he was a black man. My Aunt and Uncle asked me if he was good to me, did he take care of me? That's all they cared about, not the color of his skin, but his character. I went back to Texas and told Eric what had happened and he said it was my choice what to do with this information, but really did I have a choice? No. I struggled with what I would tell my children when they were older when they ask where my father is and why isn't there grandfather a part of their lives.

For some reason I was able to accept my father's choice pretty easily. Maybe because I had already experienced his wrath in college when I dated a black man. Dad and I went head to head and I told him I was not dating someone to make him happy but for my own happiness. I was on my own at this time and told him he did not pay my bills and could not tell me who I could and could not date. He didn't like this and I guess I wouldn't either coming from my own children. So we agreed to disagree and I would not mention anything about my social life to him if he didn't ask but if he did I wasn't going to lie to him. He would not like the answer I gave him. Until the time I showed up at Thanksgiving he and I had a fragile relationship to say the least, it was like walking on egg shells at all times but still it was a relationship.

As of today its been almost 13 years since I've seen my Father, almost 12 since I last spoke to him. I've accepted that is his choice and I'm okay with that. Maybe its because I didn't live with him growing up and I was already at a disconnect. Maybe its because I already knew how he would respond and had begun  to process it before the conversations ever happened.

January 2000, I came back to Cincinnati to visit friends and show off my new girl! She was 9 months old at the time. I called my Dad to see if he would like to meet his granddaughter. He replied with 'you made your choices, live with them. He didn't want to see her or me.' I told him that I respected his wishes but I would consider him as dead and to please not change his mind. I do not want him in and out of our lives, its all of us or none of us, all the time. He said no problem and hung up. That was the last conversation I ever had with him. I hung up the phone and I cried. It was real, it hurt and I didn't understand how people, my father, could be so cold. But, I understood that was his choice to make.

Over the years I have missed him at various times but have resigned myself to the fact that he just can't handle it and its his loss. He is missing 2 of the best children around. I see my Dad in my son at times, especially in childhood pictures of my Dad. My son would learn so much from him because I always grew up thinking my Dad knew everything even though I didn't live with him. He is surely missing out on some really great kids...........