The Questionnaire

I was a nervous wreck but Dr. L was kind, patient, quiet, calm and safe. Although I couldn't really see these thing through my fear that surrounded me. She asked what was the main problem and I told her that my parents disowned me due to marrying a black man. My mother and I had a strained relationship from about the age of 13 or 14. I have a few vague memories about my mother before that age. Then she went through the information forms that I finally did hand over to her. That was very scary for me to do. She asked why, and it was because growing up I was forbidden to give my opinion and I certainly could not talk about problems at home with anyone. She told me that her office was safe, my mother was not there and there was no way for her to find out what I say in there! This still did not calm me down. I was not breathing-I was holding my breath without really knowing that's what I was doing.

As she was asking me to explain answers from the questionnaire I was retreating to my cave. I would close my eyes and rub my head. She would pull me back to her to talk it out.
She went through these topics:
my parents divorce and me not remembering my dad ever living with us before the divorce
my mom remarrying 4 times
her 4th husbands alcohol problem
his attempt at raping me when he was drunk out of his mind one night
me losing all trust in my mom once I told her and her response to me
my complete disconnect from her even though I lived with her
my on again off again relationship with her until I was 31 when it severed for good
my wild night life I had in my 20's to make up for all the relationship void I had inside of me.
then living life without her for 10+ years when I needed a mother the most to help me and guide me through the turmoil I was living

I had not dealt with any of this in a healthy way up to this point. I hid from it, I ignored it didn't exist but at times it would come slamming back in my mind and paralyze me! Holidays were the worst. I couldn't wait to get from Thanksgiving to January 1st! I would get so angry listening to everyone talk about their families and then gripe about having to go somewhere to be with family members. I just wanted to scream at them, at least you have a family to go to!

This is all for now, my leg is bouncing so fast right now. Most likely the anxiety of remembering all this! But I need to get it out of me!