It took Dr. L a long time to get me to start opening up but my idea of opening up was to write it out in an email and send it to her. Actually verbalizing the thoughts was paralyzing me. She was okay with emails sent to her and then she would read them and discuss them at our next meeting. She asked me if I had any pictures of my mother and I told her yes. She asked me to bring them in, could we go through them together. I told her I didn't know if I could or not.
One weekend when the kids were gone to Eric's I pulled out the bin that holds all the old photos. I went through each and every picture. There were hundreds upon hundreds! It was good going through them recalling the memories but I noticed something. I could not remember things of my childhood with my mother. I could remember events that the photos captured but random things without photos I couldn't remember. There wasn't anything she and I would do together, there wasn't anything she said that I could recall. There was 1 photo of me and my sister with both of our parents. The ONLY one I have. I do not remember that time at all. I look at the picture and I see strangers. I have no feeling other than I do not know them, I feel as if I just didn't belong in that picture. I gathered them up and put them in a ziplock bag. I took them to church and I showed Roni the one of the 4 of us. I told her I couldn't remember this and I just want to remember something, anything good from my childhood with my mother. Everything is so clouded with the bad things I just needed to remember something good. It made me incredibly sad that I couldn't. She asked if I would give the pictures to Dr. L. I told her I didn't know if I was ready to or not. I couldn't understand what good it would do to go through them with her. What was she trying to accomplish? Roni didn't know but said to ask her! Hmm novel idea!
I took them with me the next week and she asked if I had them. I told her yes. Could I share them? No, not yet. She didn't push it. A little later she asked again. I handed her the bag. She just put them in her lap and asked how I felt about giving them to her. She could see the nervousness, the fear, the anxiety because I truly was a mess. I wanted so badly to face this giant, I wanted to crush it and move past it but the little girl in me kept coming out in that office. I just knew at any moment my mother would walk through that door and I would be in so much trouble. I couldn't look at my past through the eyes of an adult. I only saw it as the child I was, I couldn't separate from it.
We eventually did open the bag and go through the pictures one by one. She asked what I felt. I told her some of them had no feeling because it was as if I were looking at strangers, others especially ones with just my mother in them made me incredibly angry.
She asked if I had a picture of just my mom could I have it blown up and made bigger to bring in to the office. I told her no. I didn't want a big picture of her, why? She wanted me to read a letter to her picture so I could finally say what I wanted to say to her in a completely safe environment. I had to think about it, it sounded so dumb to me. I hate role play and to me that's what this was. I told Roni about it and she told me to think about it. I did but it made me incredibly anxious and so finally I told her no, I couldn't do it. Telling a piece of paper what I was thinking wasn't going to do anything for me. I wanted her to hear me! I wanted her to read the words! I wanted her to feel the pain I had felt all these years! I wanted her to cry for once! I wanted her to say she was sorry, even though I would have never believed her if she did! She still had no idea what she had done to me!
Dr. L asked me had I written her any letters? I said yes, she asked to see them. I had one that was ~ 6 pages hand written. Again, I went to Roni first and she told me I should read it to Dr. L. Oh man! The anxiety ramped up big time. Read it out loud? Are you serious? She was. I hadn't even let Roni read the letter yet, how could I read it to this doctor I barely knew? I gave it to Roni and I told her I just want to mail it to my mom and she made me promise I wouldn't mail it! Not this one. Not one full of emotions like the one I had written. It would not do anything good. It wasn't about what I felt inside, it was all about telling her what she did to me to hurt me so much.
I did take the letter to Dr. L and she asked me to read it. I couldn't do it. She asked if she could read it to me and I said yes. As she read it to me I sat across from her and I could feel myself go back to my childhood and the tears came, the anger came, the wall was finally breaking!
I was so mad at myself. I hate crying in front of people. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I was exhausted beyond belief.
Dr. L asked what was going through my mind and I just kept saying, how does a mother walk away from her child? what did I do that was so wrong? was I that bad of a child that she couldn't deal with me? why didn't she love me?
I retreated to my cave and I was done for the day.
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