Meeting Dr. L

March 31st, 2010

This is the day of my first appointment with Dr. L, psychologist. Terrified doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling. Roni and I had even written out a script for me to use to tell her about me because I wasn't sure I would be able to say anything at all. When I walked in the office it was a small quaint room with a couch and chairs with music playing. On the table were magazines and also a clipboard with papers to be filled out for new patients. I was early as usual so I began filling out the papers. HARD questions! Did I really need to tell her these things? Was it really going to be ok? Would she think I was a total nut case for the way I think? After a few minutes she came out of her office and she was a tiny little thing with with a warm smile. I went in and sat down, she sat across from me. I was shaking I was so scared at this point. I really thought I would throw up but that wouldn't have been a good first impression now would it?! She introduced herself and just started with general conversation to loosen things up a bit. She explained what I could expect and after the first few visits she would make her assessment and plan.

Those early visits were question/answer type visits so she could get some history. It was very exhausting to me to answer her questions. I would routinely run and hide in my cave, close my eyes and rub my forehead. By doing this I closed myself off completely to her. She kept trying to bring me out of it and sometimes she did, others not so much. But I would listen to her. She kept telling me I could email her if I wanted and we could discuss the email at the next appointment. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as number of visits etc. but she scheduled me weekly, indefinitely. I was crushed. But I scheduled them.

She asked me why was at her office, what did I want to work on? I explained that after Eric left my mind was flooded with all the other things I had shelved for so long. Namely the issues with my mother. She of course asked about those and the easiest thing to talk about was how she couldn't handle the fact that Eric is black and she was basically ashamed of us. So she chose to not be a part of our lives after I gave her the ultimatum all of us or none of us. After a bit I think I told her more about growing up and the things from childhood that bothered me. Alot of it was on the questionnaire she had me fill out that I did eventually give to her. She asked had I written my mom a letter. I told her I had but was told by Roni I wasn't allowed to mail it. She asked if I would bring it in for her to read. I think I initially told her no but then Roni set me straight again saying Dr. L cannot help me if I do not let her inside my head and heart. She told me to take her the letter. I did and it was so scary handing over that letter. I was uncomfortable that she had so much information about me. I was full of irrational fears about what would happen to me because I gave her so much information.

I began having nightmares and bad dreams that my mom was in. Dr. L would talk to me about these trying to get to the root of the issue with me. She worked hard to get her payment from me but she was good at getting me to eventually open up and talk. I was getting more comfortable but not completely.

These appointments went on for the next 6 months on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think they helped and sometimes I wondered what they were doing if anything. But I kept going. I told Roni I wouldn't quit. It was the hardest 6 months of my life. Little did I know it was about to get harder!

Don't get me wrong the first 6 months were incredibly hard on me. I had many ups and downs, medication changes and deletions. I weaned off of them completely at one point only to need them again weeks later. When I restarted them my body went crazy and the side effects were horrible to the point of another office visit with my medical doctor and those meds stopped immediately and I was placed on something stronger. Talk about a blow to the attitude. That was tough.

Sometime around May or maybe June, Dr. L asked if I was ready to truly face my mom. She would role play or she would ask me to visualize my mom in the room with us and when she did I immediately hid. I was in my cave and refused to come out. Irrational or not, it was real to me. She asked what did I want to do with the letter I had written her, how about a 'funeral' of sorts for it. I told her that until I think she is told what she has done to me I wouldn't be able to just walk away from it. So she said then send her a letter but I couldn't send the one I had written. In the meantime I had given Roni this long letter to keep for me because I was afraid I would send it as it was written. I deleted it from my computer so I couldn't reprint it. I told Roni about this session with Dr. L and I asked her for my letter back so I could try to rewrite it. She asked what was my motive? Was it to make her hurt or to tell her my feelings? I told her my feelings but if that hurt her then so be it. We had a lot of work still do didn't we????  She gave me the letter and I told her I would need her help making the new one 'sendable'.

I set out on this new mission but in the meantime the emotions of reading the letter and all the churning of the memories was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.