lots of hard work!

The next 8 weeks were the most challenging, heart wrenching, terrifying, rewarding weeks of my life up to that point. The anxiety was through the roof again but I kept saying I would do whatever it takes. I wish I could remember now what I used to say but it was something about we had 8 weeks to 'fix' me, I had to make it count. God turned up the fire to full blast! He was no longer nudging me down the road. He had a hold of my hand and was pulling me hard!

I had homework from Dr. L. I thought Roni's homework was crazy sometimes but I think these two women were two peas in a pod! Dr. L asked me to describe myself to her and I couldn't do it. I thought of things like coward, introverted, fearful, failure. So she told me to ask a number of close friends to tell me who they thought I was, what did they see in me? This was very hard for me to do. We were also getting challenges from church at the same time such as the 'no regrets week' and then the 'love challenge'--we tell someone we love them and why. Now this assignment! And I had a deadline! 1 week. So I sent emails out to friends but not to Roni. She had told me these things in the past and I wanted to hear from others who were not really in the up close and personal arena in my therapy. The responses were overwhelming to me and I had such a hard time believing them! They couldn't be talking about me!

They used words like courageous, determined, strong, patient, etc. These words did not describe me! I was a coward on all levels. I was so weak I could barely stand it seemed. These people obviously didn't know me like they thought or I was extremely good at hiding what was really inside of me. I was told by one of these friends and by Dr. L that I was not able to decipher these at truth or not. They are truth I just need to find it inside of me again. The depression was keeping me from seeing the truth, the lies I had been believing for so many years were preventing me from seeing the truth.

The love challenge at church was happening around this same time. This was completely overwhelming me! I told my kids and I told my Aunt Phyllis that I loved them. That was it. Occassionally I would tell my Aunts kids, but as a routine I didn't. Dr. L wanted me to do this challenge also. Another part of the homework. She said it wasn't as scary as I made it out to be. Roni told me the same thing. She said until I do it, the fear won't go away.

At first Roni and I talked about it being Robb and Sandy that I start with because they were all the time telling me they loved me. I was about to spend the afternoon with them and when the time came I just couldn't do it. Then I thought I would tell Betty. She was my 'safe' person. She was telling me each time she saw me, talked to me on the phone etc. Roni thought she was perfect! I had many opportunities but again, I failed. I couldn't do it. I think Roni asked why and I told her I was afraid to tell them because people I loved have always left. What if I told them but it wasn't really real coming back to me. She told me to do it anyway. The words just would not come. I was feeling like I would never be able to tell anyone. So what did I do? I wrote it out!

I wrote out what I wanted to say to Betty and I read it a few times but still the words would not come. We had our women's retreat and I had this tucked away in my Bible. One of the sessions to get with God at the retreat I went outside. It was early morning and it was frosty outside. I had taken a quilt with me so I took it outside too! I was out there a while and Betty came to join me. We were sitting on a swing just enjoying the wildlife at the camp and the frost on the trees. We were okay to sit quietly. I took out my paper and again, I couldn't read the words out loud to her but I let her read it herself. We were both crying and that wasn't too smart when it was in the 30's outside! But now she knew that I did love her, that I was scared to say the words out loud and she said that this letter was good enough for now. When I was able to she knew I would say it.

The retreat was a whole other piece of my healing and that will be a post all by itself! man oh man I was on a major roller coaster!
I wrote out

Deer Creek and God!

When I went to Deer Creek, I took my laptop, my bible and my camera. My phone didn't work there, my laptop didn't get internet service and the weather was perfect! When I arrived, I got the last room available and it was on the water side of the building even though I didn 't sit on the balcony. I immediately set to work.  I was going to meet God somewhere that weekend and my hope was that it was going to be a long long meeting. I went for a walk on the grounds and they were beautiful. I took lots and lots of pictures just watching nature. My mind started to settle down. I took out my laptop and started typing. In a 24 hour time frame I typed about 18 pages of thoughts. The anger came out, the fear came out, the disappointment came out.

When I left Dr. Lyall's office just a few days before I told her I didn't know if I would be back or not. What was the point in continuing to open up to her, to keep going deeper into the pit of darkness to find the light if she was leaving. What was the point in starting all over again with someone new if it was going to take 6 months for me to open up to them also. She told me she wouldn't take my appointments off just yet but I can call her if I decided not to come back. I was okay with that. So while at Deer Creek I wrote alot about these appointments and my feelings that we really hadn't done a whole lot. I was still as messed up in the head over my mother and my past. I cried to God, I pleaded with him to please tell me what to do. If I went back to these appointments then please let there be some break through in my emotional well being because I was literally about to crack! I was barely functioning again and it hurt!

I felt so abandoned again. I went right back to the feeling that everytime I begin to trust someone they leave! I was terrified again and panicked that Roni would leave also. It was not a good time for me. I sent Roni and Dr. Lyall the 18 pages I had typed that weekend. They said it was a great work! I couldn't see it.

I did go back to the appointments with Dr. Lyall. We had 8 more weeks to work to get me well! I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was scared and the anxiety was back in full force it seemed. By the time Dr. Lyall was leaving there had been more progress in my healing than there had been in the previous 6 months! It was a very stressful, emotionally draining, rewarding time! So many things started happening inside of me. I need to go back and read the emails and the journal entries so that I can get the facts straight to write them out here.

Things started to change!

Well its been a while since I have written anything. I think I hit that wall again trying to forget all of it. But also I have been very busy with vacation to Disney and then a mission trip to Joplin, Mo.

So at the end of the last post I had gone back on my medications, they were changed up again to a completely different class of medication. They started working and I started feeling better. I continued in my weekly therapy sessions. I still hated these appointments, oh how I hated them! But something was starting to happen. I was really beginning to like Dr. Lyall as a person. Not my therapist. I wanted her to be a friend not a doctor. I started to open up a little easier to her week by week. I still did a lot of emailing to her that we would talk about at the appointments but it was easier. I was trusting her, I wasn't hiding as much.

Then it happened.

Sometime in September Dr.L told me that she and her family were moving to Alaska. Something they had always wanted to do and so on December 1, 2010 she would be closing her practice for good. She told me at the end of the appointment which was good because I immediately withdrew from her. She saw it on my face and in my posture. She said we would talk through it. We would keep working. She would refer me to someone else whom she felt would be just as good for me. She asked me to please come back out of my cave to talk to her about it. It was too late. I was in my cave and I refused to come out. I still cry about it now as I think about it.

I was so hurt, so angry, so lost, so sad. All of this, all at the same time. I was completely overwhelmed and I shut down. I couldn't work, I wasn't eating great and I could barely take care of my kids in my mind. I immediately called Roni and what I remember is that she didn't understand why I was so upset. People come and go, its normal. It will be okay! Just stop and breathe!

I was so angry at God! How could this happen? I finally started to come out of my cave, I finally started to trust her and what she wanted me to do with her. I began to face some really big hurdles but I still felt like I had not made a lot of improvement. I decided I needed to get away and process this newest development.

I went to Deer Creek State Park in Columbus Ohio. The picture at the top of the blog is from Deer Creek. I had to get a way with God. I needed to have a meeting with him. One on one. I was mad!