Deer Creek and God!

When I went to Deer Creek, I took my laptop, my bible and my camera. My phone didn't work there, my laptop didn't get internet service and the weather was perfect! When I arrived, I got the last room available and it was on the water side of the building even though I didn 't sit on the balcony. I immediately set to work.  I was going to meet God somewhere that weekend and my hope was that it was going to be a long long meeting. I went for a walk on the grounds and they were beautiful. I took lots and lots of pictures just watching nature. My mind started to settle down. I took out my laptop and started typing. In a 24 hour time frame I typed about 18 pages of thoughts. The anger came out, the fear came out, the disappointment came out.

When I left Dr. Lyall's office just a few days before I told her I didn't know if I would be back or not. What was the point in continuing to open up to her, to keep going deeper into the pit of darkness to find the light if she was leaving. What was the point in starting all over again with someone new if it was going to take 6 months for me to open up to them also. She told me she wouldn't take my appointments off just yet but I can call her if I decided not to come back. I was okay with that. So while at Deer Creek I wrote alot about these appointments and my feelings that we really hadn't done a whole lot. I was still as messed up in the head over my mother and my past. I cried to God, I pleaded with him to please tell me what to do. If I went back to these appointments then please let there be some break through in my emotional well being because I was literally about to crack! I was barely functioning again and it hurt!

I felt so abandoned again. I went right back to the feeling that everytime I begin to trust someone they leave! I was terrified again and panicked that Roni would leave also. It was not a good time for me. I sent Roni and Dr. Lyall the 18 pages I had typed that weekend. They said it was a great work! I couldn't see it.

I did go back to the appointments with Dr. Lyall. We had 8 more weeks to work to get me well! I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was scared and the anxiety was back in full force it seemed. By the time Dr. Lyall was leaving there had been more progress in my healing than there had been in the previous 6 months! It was a very stressful, emotionally draining, rewarding time! So many things started happening inside of me. I need to go back and read the emails and the journal entries so that I can get the facts straight to write them out here.