After meeting with Roni a few times and learning that she didn't mind if I emailed her, things started to happen. I began emailing her long emails full of questions and emotions and fears. I was slowly starting to see that God put me at White Oak Christian Church for a reason and I believed it was to meet Roni. He was using her to talk to me, to bring me back to Him. He was teaching me to trust again. She and I continued to meet to talk and pray fairly regularly the remainder of the year as I tried to work through the issues at home. I was slowly realizing that what I had at home was not healthy for me or my children. But the question still remained, what do I do? I was really wanting someone to give me that answer but the answer was within me. I needed to get to God for help and no one else. And He was using Roni as his mouthpiece.
As I began to open up to Roni I began to realize that she really was someone I could trust. I believed her when she told me early on in our conversations that whatever we discussed would remain with her. She also said she would walk along side of me during this time as long as I wanted her too. These two things were so foreign to me. Trust was so very hard to come by in my life and people generally didn't stick around for long. So, I put myself out there and believed her. I began telling her things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I began to unfold my life so that she could possibly better understand why I was the way I was now. What struck me was that no matter what I told her, no matter how bad I thought it was, she always said there was nothing so bad that God would not love me. Everything we talked about she grounded with scripture.
I was learning so much from her just from listening and reading her emails. She would send me scripture references that coincided with the feelings or issues I was having at the time. I was learning that the Bible was not just a bunch of words written years ago by people who just could not understand what I was going through. These were words written by real people with real feeling and real questions for God just like me. I think one of the very first scriptures she sent me that has stuck with me ever since was Psalm 118:5 (I think) "In my anguish I cried out to the Lord, He answered by setting me free". That verse had hope in it.
Things began to happen inside of me. I was changing. I wanted to learn more about God. I wanted to learn more about prayer. I wanted to read all I could get my hands on to try and better understand my feelings.
Things here at home continued to deteriorate to the point of mostly silence between Eric and I. I spent my time cleaning to get away from him, reading, typing novel size emails to Roni or sitting outside alone praying. He could not understand what was going on with me. I wanted to be at church all the time. Roni began talking to me more about what the Bible said on marriage, divorce, sex outside of marriage and I was thinking I was a terrible person for all I had done in my life and my life with Eric. She then slowly began to explain Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness. These would be conversations that would come up frequently between us and spawn huge emails from me to her.
As I was reading more and more in the Bible I started having more thoughts on baptism and what it really meant. I talked to Roni about it several times. I would ask things like-if I was baptized as a child (12yrs) and was in church until I was about 16 but didn't really take alot of it in and then I dropped out of church for 18+ years how then could I come back into church the way I was? After doing all I had done in my life? She kept telling me God is a forgiving God and he wants me to come back to him. If I ask for forgiveness then he will give it. Period. I began asking have people ever gotten baptized for a 2nd time or was that just dumb? She explained that it wasn't necessary for my salvation, I already had that from my 1st baptism. It would be an outward expression that I would re-commit my life to God. I kept this in the back of my mind and would ponder it every now and then.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
5 Little Words
"I have issues, please pray"
These words were the beginning of something I would have never believed could happen in my life. But because of these words so much has occurred. In January 2008 I was at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. So one Sunday I decided to write these words on the communication card. I really didn't think much would come of it just that our minister would read it and pray and that's it. Well, God had other plans.
About a week or so after I had written this request I came home from work and had a voicemail message from church. It was a woman I knew of but didn't really know saying she received my prayer request and she had been praying for me. She said if I wanted to talk she would be more than willing to listen but since I didn't know her she would understand if I chose not too. After I listened to this my heart instantly stopped! I panicked! What if Eric already heard this message, what if he found out I even considered talking to someone. I was thinking, what have I done?! I quickly went onto the church website and emailed this person Roni and asked her to take my home number out of the database and only use my cell number to contact me. I told her that I didn't know if I would talk to her or not at choir since it was so crowded there and I don't want everyone to know what's going on with me She replied that the number had been changed and she didn't think talking at choir was a good idea either but the offer was still there should I want to talk at all. She would leave it up to me and she would be praying anyway.
It was the end of February or sometime in March when I emailed her again letting her know that I was feeling better and I believed it to be because of her prayers and the prayers from the Thatcher's. I asked her about her ABF (adult Sunday School) because I would like to visit her class and maybe get to know her a little better. She said it would be good to get to know one another. It was the beginning of April when we finally met for lunch for the first time at Panera.
I was so incredibly nervous about meeting with her and talking to her about what was going on with me. I didn't know if I could or not. All the what if's came into mind but I went anyway. As we sat there eating our lunch we had simple conversation about each other, and then I started talking. I was surprised by my willingness to tell her so many things about me. I described it all as my 'Jerry Springer life', telling her that I could keep him on the air without any re-runs for many years! She was easy to talk to and even though I felt my nerves trying to get the best of me, I kept talking. When we were finished she gave me a hug and told me she would keep praying and maybe we could get together again.
At the time, I could not see that God was right there at the table with Roni and I that afternoon in Panera. I really could not see God in my life very much at all during this time in my life. I was in church every Sunday. I was involved in choir and I was involved in Joy Quilters but I couldn't feel God in my life. I felt my life was completely falling apart and out of control. I really didn't know if he could hear my prayers or not because things certainly were not going the way I wanted them to go!
Shortly after our first meeting I was having a particularly bad day here at home. I called Roni at home even though I felt weird doing that! I mean after all she had 4 children and a husband she would be way to busy to bother at home with my problems! But she listened and she offered to meet me at her office to talk more. When I met her at her office I was telling her all about the problems here at home, how unhappy I was with the living situation and I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. Roni asked if I wanted to pray about it with her. I said yes, but I preferred she prayed.
Life changing event happened in that office!
When Roni prayed with me she held my hands and I heard the most heart felt prayer I had ever heard before. Not only that, but for the first time ever I felt like she and I were at the feet of Jesus while she prayed for me. He was in that room with us! From that point prayer was a totally different thing to me.
God was working so very hard in my heart.
These words were the beginning of something I would have never believed could happen in my life. But because of these words so much has occurred. In January 2008 I was at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. So one Sunday I decided to write these words on the communication card. I really didn't think much would come of it just that our minister would read it and pray and that's it. Well, God had other plans.
About a week or so after I had written this request I came home from work and had a voicemail message from church. It was a woman I knew of but didn't really know saying she received my prayer request and she had been praying for me. She said if I wanted to talk she would be more than willing to listen but since I didn't know her she would understand if I chose not too. After I listened to this my heart instantly stopped! I panicked! What if Eric already heard this message, what if he found out I even considered talking to someone. I was thinking, what have I done?! I quickly went onto the church website and emailed this person Roni and asked her to take my home number out of the database and only use my cell number to contact me. I told her that I didn't know if I would talk to her or not at choir since it was so crowded there and I don't want everyone to know what's going on with me She replied that the number had been changed and she didn't think talking at choir was a good idea either but the offer was still there should I want to talk at all. She would leave it up to me and she would be praying anyway.
It was the end of February or sometime in March when I emailed her again letting her know that I was feeling better and I believed it to be because of her prayers and the prayers from the Thatcher's. I asked her about her ABF (adult Sunday School) because I would like to visit her class and maybe get to know her a little better. She said it would be good to get to know one another. It was the beginning of April when we finally met for lunch for the first time at Panera.
I was so incredibly nervous about meeting with her and talking to her about what was going on with me. I didn't know if I could or not. All the what if's came into mind but I went anyway. As we sat there eating our lunch we had simple conversation about each other, and then I started talking. I was surprised by my willingness to tell her so many things about me. I described it all as my 'Jerry Springer life', telling her that I could keep him on the air without any re-runs for many years! She was easy to talk to and even though I felt my nerves trying to get the best of me, I kept talking. When we were finished she gave me a hug and told me she would keep praying and maybe we could get together again.
At the time, I could not see that God was right there at the table with Roni and I that afternoon in Panera. I really could not see God in my life very much at all during this time in my life. I was in church every Sunday. I was involved in choir and I was involved in Joy Quilters but I couldn't feel God in my life. I felt my life was completely falling apart and out of control. I really didn't know if he could hear my prayers or not because things certainly were not going the way I wanted them to go!
Shortly after our first meeting I was having a particularly bad day here at home. I called Roni at home even though I felt weird doing that! I mean after all she had 4 children and a husband she would be way to busy to bother at home with my problems! But she listened and she offered to meet me at her office to talk more. When I met her at her office I was telling her all about the problems here at home, how unhappy I was with the living situation and I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. Roni asked if I wanted to pray about it with her. I said yes, but I preferred she prayed.
Life changing event happened in that office!
When Roni prayed with me she held my hands and I heard the most heart felt prayer I had ever heard before. Not only that, but for the first time ever I felt like she and I were at the feet of Jesus while she prayed for me. He was in that room with us! From that point prayer was a totally different thing to me.
God was working so very hard in my heart.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The Journey- part 2
The remainder of 2005 and into 2006 there was conversation between me and my ex-husband about reconciling our relationship for our children. This was problem number one. It should have been for us. Again if I knew then what I know now I would have known our relationship had to come first before we could do anything for our children's sake. September 2006 he moved here from Maryland and I was feeling good about it. Immediately things were different than they had been for the past year. We were no longer doing things together like we had been, the meaningful conversations were becoming fewer and fewer, and he stopped coming to church with us.
2007 brought more changes and realizations that I did not make a good decision but how could I break my kids hearts again by having their Dad move out. How could I disrupt their lives so dramatically again? There was zero trust between us. I did not incorporate him into the running of the house. I did not release my grip on the control I had over the bills. I did not include him in my life. We were living two distinctly separate lives that only intersected because of the children. By spring he was sleeping on the couch and this last for about 6 months. I had suspicions that were never proven that there was someone else in his life. I started on an antidepressant again at this time. Hoping they could help me just cope better. After a few weeks I felt as if I could drive off a bridge and I was believing it was the better option. I stopped the meds immediately and that feeling went away. I heard on a daily basis how much he hated it here in this state but he he uprooted his life he had to come here because this is where I wanted to live. He wanted 'us' to move. I said no. I was beginning to feel like there was life outside of my house. By the end of the year we were not even speaking unless it was directly related to the children and then it was typically a yes or no question.
Through all of this time I stayed in church with the kids. We loved it. He hated that we were getting so involved. I still sat alone most of the time and would not open up to anyone there. Who would understand the mess I was in? Who divorces their husband and then lets him move back in to help raise the kids? I could not let anyone know. This also was directly related to the fact that while growing up my Mother absolutely forbid us to tell people what was happening in our home. It was completely wrong to talk to people about your problems. You were to just go on with a smile on your face no matter what you were feeling inside. There will be more on this subject later.
By January 2008 I could not take anymore. At church we had communication cards where you could write down a prayer request and put it in the offering basket. I seriously thought the only person who read these was the Senior Minister. Naive. Yes that's me! So one Sunday when I was truly at the end of my rope I wrote on the card, "I have issues, please pray". I had no idea what God had in store for me with those 5 little words!
2007 brought more changes and realizations that I did not make a good decision but how could I break my kids hearts again by having their Dad move out. How could I disrupt their lives so dramatically again? There was zero trust between us. I did not incorporate him into the running of the house. I did not release my grip on the control I had over the bills. I did not include him in my life. We were living two distinctly separate lives that only intersected because of the children. By spring he was sleeping on the couch and this last for about 6 months. I had suspicions that were never proven that there was someone else in his life. I started on an antidepressant again at this time. Hoping they could help me just cope better. After a few weeks I felt as if I could drive off a bridge and I was believing it was the better option. I stopped the meds immediately and that feeling went away. I heard on a daily basis how much he hated it here in this state but he he uprooted his life he had to come here because this is where I wanted to live. He wanted 'us' to move. I said no. I was beginning to feel like there was life outside of my house. By the end of the year we were not even speaking unless it was directly related to the children and then it was typically a yes or no question.
Through all of this time I stayed in church with the kids. We loved it. He hated that we were getting so involved. I still sat alone most of the time and would not open up to anyone there. Who would understand the mess I was in? Who divorces their husband and then lets him move back in to help raise the kids? I could not let anyone know. This also was directly related to the fact that while growing up my Mother absolutely forbid us to tell people what was happening in our home. It was completely wrong to talk to people about your problems. You were to just go on with a smile on your face no matter what you were feeling inside. There will be more on this subject later.
By January 2008 I could not take anymore. At church we had communication cards where you could write down a prayer request and put it in the offering basket. I seriously thought the only person who read these was the Senior Minister. Naive. Yes that's me! So one Sunday when I was truly at the end of my rope I wrote on the card, "I have issues, please pray". I had no idea what God had in store for me with those 5 little words!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
How it all began...part 1
" I have issues. Please pray"
Those words are how my journey to healing began in January 2008. I had finally spun out of control in my mind and I could not go one minute more alone. Because I didn't believe God was already beside me. I was alone, suffering in a loveless relationship. Trying so despirately to believe it would get better on its own. That doesn't happen.
Lets back up to 2004. August. I left my husband without telling him. I took our children without his knowledge. I was scared to death that he would take them first if I told him how unhappy I was. We did not have a marriage, we were not even good room-mates. We lived a sad life and our children were suffering. I saw no way for us to recover our marriage. Looking back I can't say it was a good move or if I was wrong. Change needed to occur. Immediately. Radical change. Its one of those if I knew then what I know now kind of things, it would have been handled differently for sure.
2005 was an incredibly ugly year trying to sort out how to co-parent from 1500 miles away from each other. My ex-husband would come in at least monthly to see the children. He stayed with us because I knew he had no money but also because I didn't trust him at all. He had every right to leave with our children just like I did. Our divorce was final in May of 2005. It was after this that we started going to church.
We found White Oak Christian Church because God put me on the front door step of some childhood friends that I had not seen in at least 15 or more years! He wanted me at WOCC but I would not understand this for some time. I knew these 2 people in this huge church! I was scared of what people would think of me if they knew how I left with my kids. That I was divorced. I stayed quiet for some time. Then slowly started getting involved in the quilt group and eventually the choir. I was changing. God was working behind the scenes.
Toward the end of 2005, my heart must have softened for my ex-husband because one visit he made things changed drastically. My guard was down because he came to me one night while I was sleeping and things happened between us that had not happened in at least 2 years. At this time the visits came more frequently, our conversations seemed real, we acted like a real family. He even came to church with us when he visited. I thought life was really changing.
2006 was a hard year. Our babysitter that I had used since coming back to Ohio suddenly died. I was heart broken. I started a new job again, this time with normal daytime hours. My Ex moved here to live with us in September.
Things looked like they were turning around!
Those words are how my journey to healing began in January 2008. I had finally spun out of control in my mind and I could not go one minute more alone. Because I didn't believe God was already beside me. I was alone, suffering in a loveless relationship. Trying so despirately to believe it would get better on its own. That doesn't happen.
Lets back up to 2004. August. I left my husband without telling him. I took our children without his knowledge. I was scared to death that he would take them first if I told him how unhappy I was. We did not have a marriage, we were not even good room-mates. We lived a sad life and our children were suffering. I saw no way for us to recover our marriage. Looking back I can't say it was a good move or if I was wrong. Change needed to occur. Immediately. Radical change. Its one of those if I knew then what I know now kind of things, it would have been handled differently for sure.
2005 was an incredibly ugly year trying to sort out how to co-parent from 1500 miles away from each other. My ex-husband would come in at least monthly to see the children. He stayed with us because I knew he had no money but also because I didn't trust him at all. He had every right to leave with our children just like I did. Our divorce was final in May of 2005. It was after this that we started going to church.
We found White Oak Christian Church because God put me on the front door step of some childhood friends that I had not seen in at least 15 or more years! He wanted me at WOCC but I would not understand this for some time. I knew these 2 people in this huge church! I was scared of what people would think of me if they knew how I left with my kids. That I was divorced. I stayed quiet for some time. Then slowly started getting involved in the quilt group and eventually the choir. I was changing. God was working behind the scenes.
Toward the end of 2005, my heart must have softened for my ex-husband because one visit he made things changed drastically. My guard was down because he came to me one night while I was sleeping and things happened between us that had not happened in at least 2 years. At this time the visits came more frequently, our conversations seemed real, we acted like a real family. He even came to church with us when he visited. I thought life was really changing.
2006 was a hard year. Our babysitter that I had used since coming back to Ohio suddenly died. I was heart broken. I started a new job again, this time with normal daytime hours. My Ex moved here to live with us in September.
Things looked like they were turning around!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Memories
I have a hard time remembering things from my childhood. Things like favorite toys, childhood friends, family trips. Memories are hard to come by, at least good memories. Don't get me wrong I have some in my mind that I remember. I just want to be able to remember more. This past year while working with my psychologist I came to terms with most of my childhood. I have accepted that if God wants me to remember anymore then He will certainly put the memory in my head.
This weekend I spent the night with my cousin Melissa when I went to Kentucky for my Uncle's funeral. She is 6 months younger than me and we always spent a lot of time together growing up. I would go down for weeks at a time during the summer and we talked or wrote lots of letters in between visits. I estranged myself from most everyone in the family when things within my immediate family fell apart. It had been 20+ years since I spoke to Melissa when she looked me up on facebook last year on my birthday. This weekend is the 2nd time I've seen her since then. We stayed up until almost 2:30am talking. It was so wonderful to have that connection with her again. To be able to talk to her about family and she understands.
Melissa and I talked a lot about our Aunts and Uncles but mostly our conversation was about our Mamaw. She was the most important person in my life up until her death. Then Phyllis became that person. Mamaw had been moved to Kentucky and lived with Melissa and her family for a while before her death. So Melissa had that extended time with her also. We both miss her terribly. Oh we talked about how she would find the best switch possible and switch the back of your legs if you crossed her. But it would have to be really bad for that to happen. We both remember cleaning the back door glass in the storm door. We remembered how she thought people were stealing from her but in actuality she was hiding things and forgot where she put them.
Oh how fun it was to talk to her!
This weekend I spent the night with my cousin Melissa when I went to Kentucky for my Uncle's funeral. She is 6 months younger than me and we always spent a lot of time together growing up. I would go down for weeks at a time during the summer and we talked or wrote lots of letters in between visits. I estranged myself from most everyone in the family when things within my immediate family fell apart. It had been 20+ years since I spoke to Melissa when she looked me up on facebook last year on my birthday. This weekend is the 2nd time I've seen her since then. We stayed up until almost 2:30am talking. It was so wonderful to have that connection with her again. To be able to talk to her about family and she understands.
Melissa and I talked a lot about our Aunts and Uncles but mostly our conversation was about our Mamaw. She was the most important person in my life up until her death. Then Phyllis became that person. Mamaw had been moved to Kentucky and lived with Melissa and her family for a while before her death. So Melissa had that extended time with her also. We both miss her terribly. Oh we talked about how she would find the best switch possible and switch the back of your legs if you crossed her. But it would have to be really bad for that to happen. We both remember cleaning the back door glass in the storm door. We remembered how she thought people were stealing from her but in actuality she was hiding things and forgot where she put them.
Oh how fun it was to talk to her!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Goodbye Poppy!
Today I said farewell to a very special man in my life. My Uncle Leon "Poppy" Wright. He was 80 years old. He's lived a long, good life. I can remember pieces of my life that intertwined with his, he always had a smile. He always had a story. He always loved me. He told me, he showed me, he taught me. Poppy I love you so much and you will be greatly missed. I am so glad to know that I will see you one day again, very soon. You will not be an old man that struggled to stand up and walk. A man who could no longer feed himself and had to rely on a feeding tube. A man that couldn't remember his wife of 57 years! No sir! You will be a strong man, full of life! No more hurts, no more health problems, no more Alzheimers!
I know you are singing with the Angels right now! I love you Poppy, until we meet again! xoxo!!!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Enough!
Well, I kept thinking I will start writing about my story but my mind is so full of other things I can't get started on it. Yesterday I spent a good deal of time with someone who tries to help me stay grounded. Right now I need to be because I am swirling in a vortex of emotions in my mind. I'm letting things get to me that I cannot control in any way shape or form. But I still try. We talked and we prayed. I say 'we' prayed because both of us prayed! This is so different and out of my comfort zone. She asked me to do this knowing I would want to say no, knowing I don't like to pray out loud (I'm not sure I know why-I realize that is dumb). I seriously considered saying no. I did say no-initially. She said something like-that says something too--her reason for asking was because she wants to see how I pray, what I pray, where are my thoughts with prayer.
We had a conversation that saying what I want and want I don't want are okay to tell God. Sitting and crying my eyes out with my head on my couch is okay to do also. Telling God I don't understand what's happening is alright, but she asked do I tell him what I NEED? Not what I want but what do I need. Hmmm, now that is an interesting point of view. I don't think about me and what I need. I think about what others need around me. She proceeded to say things like-I need the doctor to listen to me at my appointment, I need to know how to say and understand 'what now' instead of 'why God'. I need to find something to help me counteract this mood I'm in, I need to find a friend to do things with outside of church, I need to feel loved, I need to feel like I matter etc. What do I physically and emotionally need-not want or don't want.
I prayed.
It was hard, I don't know why, other than my own insecurities. I mean who better for me to do this with than Roni! She knows every ounce of me, she is the safest person I know. Afterwards I was thankful she did this, pushed me out of my box. She's been doing that a lot this year. I suppose this is good too!
We had a conversation that saying what I want and want I don't want are okay to tell God. Sitting and crying my eyes out with my head on my couch is okay to do also. Telling God I don't understand what's happening is alright, but she asked do I tell him what I NEED? Not what I want but what do I need. Hmmm, now that is an interesting point of view. I don't think about me and what I need. I think about what others need around me. She proceeded to say things like-I need the doctor to listen to me at my appointment, I need to know how to say and understand 'what now' instead of 'why God'. I need to find something to help me counteract this mood I'm in, I need to find a friend to do things with outside of church, I need to feel loved, I need to feel like I matter etc. What do I physically and emotionally need-not want or don't want.
I prayed.
It was hard, I don't know why, other than my own insecurities. I mean who better for me to do this with than Roni! She knows every ounce of me, she is the safest person I know. Afterwards I was thankful she did this, pushed me out of my box. She's been doing that a lot this year. I suppose this is good too!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
How did I get here?
Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. I have no idea where to start! Well this blog is about me, my story, my feelings and the journey I have been on with God. I guess maybe if I describe where I am currently since thats what people would know about me.
I am a divorced mom of two very amazing children. 8 year old Elijah and almost 12 year old Arianna. I am a nurse in the Center for Infants and Children with Special Needs at Cincinnati Childrens Hospital. I have been a nurse for 20 years this year and have been in pediatrics/neonatology for 19 of those 20 years! I call White Oak Christian Church my home and have been there for 6 years now! Thats wild! Time flies when I think of it like that. I am a part of the worship choir, Joy quilters, and the a member of the cafe connection crew. I have a few folks that I call friend, all of whom are from WOCC.
I am working towards making myself healthy and emotionally stable since those two things have not been a part of my life consistently!
I am a divorced mom of two very amazing children. 8 year old Elijah and almost 12 year old Arianna. I am a nurse in the Center for Infants and Children with Special Needs at Cincinnati Childrens Hospital. I have been a nurse for 20 years this year and have been in pediatrics/neonatology for 19 of those 20 years! I call White Oak Christian Church my home and have been there for 6 years now! Thats wild! Time flies when I think of it like that. I am a part of the worship choir, Joy quilters, and the a member of the cafe connection crew. I have a few folks that I call friend, all of whom are from WOCC.
I am working towards making myself healthy and emotionally stable since those two things have not been a part of my life consistently!
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