Enough!

Well, I kept thinking I will start writing about my story but my mind is so full of other things I can't get started on it. Yesterday I spent a good deal of time with someone who tries to help me stay grounded. Right now I need to be because I am swirling in a vortex of emotions in my mind. I'm letting things get to me that I cannot control in any way shape or form. But I still try. We talked and we prayed. I say 'we' prayed because both of us prayed! This is so different and out of my comfort zone. She asked me to do this knowing I would want to say no, knowing I don't like to pray out loud (I'm not sure I know why-I realize that is dumb). I seriously considered saying no. I did say no-initially. She said something like-that says something too--her reason for asking was because she wants to see how I pray, what I pray, where are my thoughts with prayer.

We had a conversation that saying what I want and want I don't want are okay to tell God. Sitting and crying my eyes out with my head on my couch is okay to do also. Telling God I don't understand what's happening is alright, but she asked do I tell him what I NEED? Not what I want but what do I need.  Hmmm, now that is an interesting point of view. I don't think about me and what I need. I think about what others need around me. She proceeded to say things like-I need the doctor to listen to me at my appointment, I need to know how to say and understand 'what now' instead of 'why God'. I need to find something to help me counteract this mood I'm in, I need to find a friend to do things with outside of church, I need to feel loved, I need to feel like I matter etc. What do I physically and emotionally need-not want or don't want.

I prayed.

It was hard, I don't know why, other than my own insecurities. I mean who better for me to do this with than Roni! She knows every ounce of me, she is the safest person I know. Afterwards I was thankful she did this, pushed me out of my box. She's been doing that a lot this year. I suppose this is good too!