The Journey- part 2

The remainder of 2005 and into 2006 there was conversation between me and my ex-husband about reconciling our relationship for our children. This was problem number one. It should have been for us. Again if I knew then what I know now I would have known our relationship had to come first before we could do anything for our children's sake. September 2006 he moved here from Maryland and I was feeling good about it. Immediately things were different than they had been for the past year. We were no longer doing things together like we had been, the meaningful conversations were becoming fewer and fewer, and he stopped coming to church with us.

2007 brought more changes and realizations that I did not make a good decision but how could I break my kids hearts again by having their Dad move out. How could I disrupt their lives so dramatically again? There was zero trust between us. I did not incorporate him into the running of the house. I did not release my grip on the control I had over the bills. I did not include him in my life. We were living two distinctly separate lives that only intersected because of the children. By spring he was sleeping on the couch and this last for about 6 months. I had suspicions that were never proven that there was someone else in his life. I started on an antidepressant again at this time. Hoping they could help me just cope better. After a few weeks I felt as if I could drive off a bridge and I was believing it was the better option. I stopped the meds immediately and that feeling went away. I heard on a daily basis how much he hated it here in this state but he he uprooted his life he had to come here because this is where I wanted to live. He wanted 'us' to move. I said no. I was beginning to feel like there was life outside of my house. By the end of the year we were not even speaking unless it was directly related to the children and then it was typically a yes or no question.

Through all of this time I stayed in church with the kids. We loved it. He hated that we were getting so involved. I still sat alone most of the time and would not open up to anyone there. Who would understand the mess I was in? Who divorces their husband and then lets him move back in to help raise the kids? I could not let anyone know. This also was directly related to the fact that while growing up my Mother absolutely forbid us to tell people what was happening in our home. It was completely wrong to talk to people about your problems. You were to just go on with a smile on your face no matter what you were feeling inside. There will be more on this subject later.

By January 2008 I could not take anymore. At church we had communication cards where you could write down a prayer request and put it in the offering basket. I seriously thought the only person who read these was the Senior Minister. Naive. Yes that's me! So one Sunday when I was truly at the end of my rope I wrote on the card, "I have issues, please pray". I had no idea what God had in store for me with those 5 little words!