I think that word 'numb' pretty much sums it all up! I was numb at this point. I told him to move out, told the kids I was making him move out because I wasn't happy. He was making me out to be the bad guy 100%! He was telling the kids how much I hated him, I didn't love him, he didn't have anywhere to go etc. So because of those words to them they would come to be with all the 'why' questions!
why didn't I want their Daddy to live with us?
why didn't I love him?
why did I hate him?
If I was so unhappy then why don't I move out and let Daddy stay?
yep that one stung a lot!
Everyday there were tears. Bedtime tears, school tears, homework tears--all the time! I was doing my best to continue to function but I honestly cannot remember coming or going most days. There were so many emails to Roni, so many phone calls, lots of prayers together just to get through until he finally did move out.
He would not give me a date that he was leaving, it was always "I don't know, when I get the place ready". Well, there were many days he would stay gone until late at night then come in long after the kids and I were in the bed. Our only communication was through email or text. Emails often went unanswered for a couple of days. There was zero conversation between us verbally. One night he just didn't come home. I didn't know if he was on the side of the road, if he was with his friend or what! I did care because of the kids. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. Turns out he was with his friend or so he says. When I came home that evening he finally came in late again. I told him he needed to leave because I wasn't going to be the one to keep explaining to the kids why he wasn't home in the mornings when they expected him to be. He got mad again saying he was doing it slowly so not to disrupt the kids! I told him he did that by the way he told them he was moving out. He needed to finish packing and leave.
I believe he was gone the next day when I came home from work.
Throughout all of this my anxiety was hitting an all time high complete with chest pain, palpitations, and shortness of breath. So many times I would hear Roni say to me-calm down and watch. The anxiety was not good for me but its not ever a good thing is it?
December 14th 2009--the day he was officially out of my house.
Yes 2 weeks before Christmas. I was so worried how that would affect the kids. I kept thinking should I let him stay until after the 1st of the year? But then there is always something coming up so I resigned to the fact that no matter when it happened it would just be bad. It was.
Oh it was heart wrenching to let them go to him to stay overnight. They had never really been away from me. It started as one night, then two nights then three nights. It killed me! I cried and cried so many nights because the fear I had inside of me from when I left Texas came flooding back in again. What if he ran off with the kids???? What if he......??? What if he...??? These made me insane! I closed myself off to everyone except Roni. I wouldn't leave my house for anything except work and church. There were times when I couldn't even do either of those and I would stay in bed or on the couch. Remember my friends that God brought into my life-the couple? Robb and Sandy. They were and are such great friends. They tried to get me to do things with them as often as possible. Our friendship was new, only a few months old at this time. They didn't know a lot but knew enough. And they cared. If I wasn't at church they called, if I was supposed to meet them but didn't they'd call or come to my house. I didn't know how to accept this friendship from them. It was all so foreign to me, it had been so long since I had a friend who acted this way with me.
We made it through Christmas 2009 and on toward New Year's Day! I couldn't wait for January to roll around. December was always a very tough month for me emotionally and now all of this on top of what was stored inside of me from my past. Not a good combination!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
A very long night
Now, even though I couldn't see it at the time, God was doing things that would help me during this time. He blossomed a friendship between me and two really neat people who had children close to the age of mine. The kids were buddies from Sunday school and all of us went to a pumpkin patch and that began a wonderful friendship. More on this to come.
Well the evening I told Eric he needed to move out began a very long night of 'talks'. I put that in quotations because that's a loose description of what happened. He left the house for a while and I took my computer and went upstairs to my room. I remember seeing Roni on facebook and telling her quickly what had just happened and how scared I had been that I was about to get hit. She talked with me for a while and then Eric came home and came upstairs. I got off the computer and he started talking.
He proceeded to tell me that he knew what the problem was in our relationship. I was the problem, it was me and all my affairs I had been having! I said that was news to me and could he please tell me when I had time to have an affair? And he said affairs so does he mean to tell me I've had multiple? He said yes, its quite obvious! I simply said well if you accuse then that usually means you have a guilty conscience. I told him I had never had an affair. I had never even been out on a date with anyone else since the day I met him. I asked could he say the same thing? NO, he could not. I said you are right and there is someone right now isn't there? He said yes he had a 'friend'. I said, yes I know. I'm not dumb and I had it figured out a while ago but that's okay because that was not the reason I made my decision. We 'talked' for awhile that night and I left it that I could no longer do anything to help this relationship. I could not do it alone and he was not willing to work on things with me. He proceeded to tell me that he might have 5% of the blame in the demise of the relationship but otherwise it was all my fault we didn't make it. After some silence he left the room and went downstairs again.
The next day I went to church and I found Roni between services and we sat down to talk in the cafe. We talked all through the entire next service. I told her everything from the night before. I think this was the first time she actually saw me cry. Before we finished she pulled her chair a little closer to mine and she held my hands and she prayed over me. The tears just fell. I felt so defeated and completely hollow. Its a time that when I think back now, I wonder how in the world I was walking around, there is so much I do not remember.
The next few weeks were so hard even though the hard part was over. He kept trying to communicate in anyway he could but I was done, I could do no more. I simply wanted him to leave so we could get on with life. About mid November we were home together and I was cleaning as usual to avoid him. He started to help and that just made me that much more irritated! Prior to this day I had been separating out my laundry from his and only doing mine and the kids and he would eventually do his own but he didn't really pay attention that that was what I was doing. Well this particular day it occurred to him and he came downstairs and asked me in a very loud irritated tone was I separating laundry? I said yes, I had been for a while. He could do his own. I was tired of doing everything, so he could do his own. This fired him up and he kept asking questions one right after the other. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and I was ignoring him. I asked was he really going to do this in front of the kids? He kept going, so I told him to take it upstairs away from the kids.
We went upstairs and he kept at it and I told him flat out I wanted him to move out. This relationship was over, I didn't want him living here any longer, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy so why keep going? He said he wasn't leaving his kids and I told him he wasn't, he just wasn't living with us. He said he was going to tell the kids then that their mother didn't want their dad to live with them. I told him that I think we should tell them when he finds a place of his own, why make them worry unnecessarily? He said too bad, you want to kick me out they are going to know the truth. He marched downstairs and told the kids to sit down on the couch. He sat between them and I was directly across from them. He told them that he came here to be with the family and he loved them very much. The he said to them that I wasn't happy and therefore I told him to move out. They both were screaming and poor Elijah was gagging he was crying so hard. They were yelling at me asking me why did I hate their Daddy? I have never hated anyone as much as I did him at that moment! A little later he left with the kids to go to the store for somethings. I fired off emails to Roni and called her at home and her cell both without an answer.
I left the house and drove around not knowing where I was going. I ended up sitting in a parking lot near the mall. I called Roni again and this time she answered. She immediately asked what's wrong? I told her as I was sobbing on the phone to her. We talked for a little while and she told me I had to go home. I could not sit in the parking lot, I needed to be home for the kids when they came home. Never in my life had I hurt so badly than when I heard my kids ask me why I didn't love their Daddy and why did I make him move out or why didn't I move out if I was so unhappy? All these things were things they had heard from him in his anger. I knew this but it still hurt me so incredibly much.
The next few weeks were so hard on all of us. I was constantly talking to Roni either by email, facebook, phone or in person and the kids started talking to the Bittner crew.
Life was about to get very unsettled!
Well the evening I told Eric he needed to move out began a very long night of 'talks'. I put that in quotations because that's a loose description of what happened. He left the house for a while and I took my computer and went upstairs to my room. I remember seeing Roni on facebook and telling her quickly what had just happened and how scared I had been that I was about to get hit. She talked with me for a while and then Eric came home and came upstairs. I got off the computer and he started talking.
He proceeded to tell me that he knew what the problem was in our relationship. I was the problem, it was me and all my affairs I had been having! I said that was news to me and could he please tell me when I had time to have an affair? And he said affairs so does he mean to tell me I've had multiple? He said yes, its quite obvious! I simply said well if you accuse then that usually means you have a guilty conscience. I told him I had never had an affair. I had never even been out on a date with anyone else since the day I met him. I asked could he say the same thing? NO, he could not. I said you are right and there is someone right now isn't there? He said yes he had a 'friend'. I said, yes I know. I'm not dumb and I had it figured out a while ago but that's okay because that was not the reason I made my decision. We 'talked' for awhile that night and I left it that I could no longer do anything to help this relationship. I could not do it alone and he was not willing to work on things with me. He proceeded to tell me that he might have 5% of the blame in the demise of the relationship but otherwise it was all my fault we didn't make it. After some silence he left the room and went downstairs again.
The next day I went to church and I found Roni between services and we sat down to talk in the cafe. We talked all through the entire next service. I told her everything from the night before. I think this was the first time she actually saw me cry. Before we finished she pulled her chair a little closer to mine and she held my hands and she prayed over me. The tears just fell. I felt so defeated and completely hollow. Its a time that when I think back now, I wonder how in the world I was walking around, there is so much I do not remember.
The next few weeks were so hard even though the hard part was over. He kept trying to communicate in anyway he could but I was done, I could do no more. I simply wanted him to leave so we could get on with life. About mid November we were home together and I was cleaning as usual to avoid him. He started to help and that just made me that much more irritated! Prior to this day I had been separating out my laundry from his and only doing mine and the kids and he would eventually do his own but he didn't really pay attention that that was what I was doing. Well this particular day it occurred to him and he came downstairs and asked me in a very loud irritated tone was I separating laundry? I said yes, I had been for a while. He could do his own. I was tired of doing everything, so he could do his own. This fired him up and he kept asking questions one right after the other. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and I was ignoring him. I asked was he really going to do this in front of the kids? He kept going, so I told him to take it upstairs away from the kids.
We went upstairs and he kept at it and I told him flat out I wanted him to move out. This relationship was over, I didn't want him living here any longer, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy so why keep going? He said he wasn't leaving his kids and I told him he wasn't, he just wasn't living with us. He said he was going to tell the kids then that their mother didn't want their dad to live with them. I told him that I think we should tell them when he finds a place of his own, why make them worry unnecessarily? He said too bad, you want to kick me out they are going to know the truth. He marched downstairs and told the kids to sit down on the couch. He sat between them and I was directly across from them. He told them that he came here to be with the family and he loved them very much. The he said to them that I wasn't happy and therefore I told him to move out. They both were screaming and poor Elijah was gagging he was crying so hard. They were yelling at me asking me why did I hate their Daddy? I have never hated anyone as much as I did him at that moment! A little later he left with the kids to go to the store for somethings. I fired off emails to Roni and called her at home and her cell both without an answer.
I left the house and drove around not knowing where I was going. I ended up sitting in a parking lot near the mall. I called Roni again and this time she answered. She immediately asked what's wrong? I told her as I was sobbing on the phone to her. We talked for a little while and she told me I had to go home. I could not sit in the parking lot, I needed to be home for the kids when they came home. Never in my life had I hurt so badly than when I heard my kids ask me why I didn't love their Daddy and why did I make him move out or why didn't I move out if I was so unhappy? All these things were things they had heard from him in his anger. I knew this but it still hurt me so incredibly much.
The next few weeks were so hard on all of us. I was constantly talking to Roni either by email, facebook, phone or in person and the kids started talking to the Bittner crew.
Life was about to get very unsettled!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
My Decision
Roni and I talked about how I needed to let Eric know what I have been thinking. I had to tell him about the 'options' I had been contemplating and focusing on for so long. My anxiety about got the best of me. I had no idea I had anxiety so bad until all of this started. There were things surfacing from inside of me that had been buried deep I suppose.
I wrote an email to Eric but knew that I couldn't send it, it had to be spoken words from me to him. So after a while I asked him to give me some time to talk to him. It wasn't really a talk. I read the email to him, that's the only way I could get through it. I asked him not to speak until I was done and then we would talk. He didn't interrupt but when I was done he said that he didn't hear me say what I wanted! I said I wanted him to think about the three options because something had to change. He felt there was no option, I already knew what I was going to do so what was the point. I tried to tell him it did matter what he felt but he wouldn't hear me.
His way of dealing with things is to hear it, get mad, get quiet for a few days and then re-visit the conversation again. So Roni said to wait it out now, see what he does. There was quiet and there were a few emails between me and Eric. In the end he didn't address the options. I knew what had to be done. I had to decide for the two of us and I really wanted to include him in the decision making of this. I really did.
I told Roni I had made my decision and I just could not continue on this road with Eric. I could not continue the relationship or living arrangement any longer. She said that was okay. God knew what I would choose before I ever got to this point and he would still love me through it all. She explained that sometimes God gives us things to do that sometimes we just can't do but he knows that. He would not give up on me. I was relieved to have made a decision in my mind but I was also so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't strong enough to keep going. To put forth more of an effort, to fight for our relationship. But I felt the relationship was never really there.
I knew what I had to do next. I had to tell Eric my decision. Fear is not a strong enough word. Last time I felt I could do no more, I simply walked out on him. This time I had to be the adult in the situation. I had to discuss it with him. So one evening in late October I was at the table and he was in the living room. I asked had he thought of the email any further? He replied he had not there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him then he left me no other option but to decide for the both of us and I decided that I could not go on any further with this arrangement. He would need to move out and we continue on as the divorced parents we are to our children. Never in the 11 years that I had known him did I ever feel that he would ever hit me physically until this night. He came around the corner at me and had his finger in my face yelling and screaming that I would not do this to him again. I froze and could not move, if he was going to hit me it would have very easy for him to do so.
This was the beginning of many more discussions.
I wrote an email to Eric but knew that I couldn't send it, it had to be spoken words from me to him. So after a while I asked him to give me some time to talk to him. It wasn't really a talk. I read the email to him, that's the only way I could get through it. I asked him not to speak until I was done and then we would talk. He didn't interrupt but when I was done he said that he didn't hear me say what I wanted! I said I wanted him to think about the three options because something had to change. He felt there was no option, I already knew what I was going to do so what was the point. I tried to tell him it did matter what he felt but he wouldn't hear me.
His way of dealing with things is to hear it, get mad, get quiet for a few days and then re-visit the conversation again. So Roni said to wait it out now, see what he does. There was quiet and there were a few emails between me and Eric. In the end he didn't address the options. I knew what had to be done. I had to decide for the two of us and I really wanted to include him in the decision making of this. I really did.
I told Roni I had made my decision and I just could not continue on this road with Eric. I could not continue the relationship or living arrangement any longer. She said that was okay. God knew what I would choose before I ever got to this point and he would still love me through it all. She explained that sometimes God gives us things to do that sometimes we just can't do but he knows that. He would not give up on me. I was relieved to have made a decision in my mind but I was also so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't strong enough to keep going. To put forth more of an effort, to fight for our relationship. But I felt the relationship was never really there.
I knew what I had to do next. I had to tell Eric my decision. Fear is not a strong enough word. Last time I felt I could do no more, I simply walked out on him. This time I had to be the adult in the situation. I had to discuss it with him. So one evening in late October I was at the table and he was in the living room. I asked had he thought of the email any further? He replied he had not there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him then he left me no other option but to decide for the both of us and I decided that I could not go on any further with this arrangement. He would need to move out and we continue on as the divorced parents we are to our children. Never in the 11 years that I had known him did I ever feel that he would ever hit me physically until this night. He came around the corner at me and had his finger in my face yelling and screaming that I would not do this to him again. I froze and could not move, if he was going to hit me it would have very easy for him to do so.
This was the beginning of many more discussions.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Journal
This last assignment from Roni really was a God thing. She had no idea what it was going to do for me but she said the idea came to her for some reason and so I went with it. It was so hard to get started on it but once I did the thoughts would come out of my mind and onto paper. I wrote down things that I had learned about God in the past year. Things like I could trust him, he did love me, he would listen to me when I pray, he would talk to me, he guided me when I didn't think he was. He was all around me. That wouldn't change.
At one point I couldn't get past my own emotions to think openly about the option of trying to work on the relationship. I could not find the motivation to try, I could not see the benefits or what I hoped would come of it. I was able to list all the negative consequences to trying. So on my own before I gave the journal to Roni, I took some time and I prayed to God to help me think clearly on this, take out my emotions from it so I could give this option as fair a shot as I could. And I started over on that section, answering the questions again and not allowing myself to look at the previous answers I had written.
I'm not sure how long I worked on this particular assignment but I put a lot of thought and heart into it. When I was finished and I handed it over to Roni. I remember it felt odd handing over a hand written journal to her when we had used email primarily before between our meetings. Hand written is just so much more personal or something. I don't know exactly but it was a different feeling. After she had time to read over it, we set up a time to meet. I remember we met at a park that day and it was a beautiful day.
We talked for a long time about this journal and the things I had written. There were places she would help me see some benefits or negative consequences where I just could not see them. She told me she was proud of me for really thinking through the options. And she assured me that no matter what decision I made that God would love me through it all.
I think deep down in my heart I knew my answer long before we had this talk and I think she did too. I really wanted her to tell me what I should do but it was very rare for her to give me her opinion about this. She did so well as keeping a middle ground and she was actually Eric's biggest advocate even though he would never understand that. One of the underlying themes in the negative consequences was that I would disappoint God, I would disappoint my kids and I would disappoint her. At this time I felt as if I had disappointed everyone in my life. This feeling was a carry over from my childhood and all through my young adult life to the current time. If I didn't do what was 'right' then I would let them all down because I wasn't strong enough. I am trying to remember the day in this park and parts of it are so clear to me. I remember her telling me that she would not be disappointed in me if I chose to end the relationship and I certainly would not disappoint God in the way I think about it. She said that he already knew what I would choose and already had another plan waiting for me. We prayed about it all again and I went home to think some more. I was really trying to not base my decision solely on emotions.
I have no idea how I was functioning. Well I do know, it was completely God. He was getting me through each and every day! There were days I could not tell you which way I was going. I was not well physically, emotionally or spiritually. I can look back now and say this was when there was a lot of growth in my relationship with God.
I wanted God to tell me what to do loud and clear but that wasn't happening. I was told all about free will. God gave me free will to make decisions on my own. I had to make a decision and I had to trust God would still be there for me no matter what.
At one point I couldn't get past my own emotions to think openly about the option of trying to work on the relationship. I could not find the motivation to try, I could not see the benefits or what I hoped would come of it. I was able to list all the negative consequences to trying. So on my own before I gave the journal to Roni, I took some time and I prayed to God to help me think clearly on this, take out my emotions from it so I could give this option as fair a shot as I could. And I started over on that section, answering the questions again and not allowing myself to look at the previous answers I had written.
I'm not sure how long I worked on this particular assignment but I put a lot of thought and heart into it. When I was finished and I handed it over to Roni. I remember it felt odd handing over a hand written journal to her when we had used email primarily before between our meetings. Hand written is just so much more personal or something. I don't know exactly but it was a different feeling. After she had time to read over it, we set up a time to meet. I remember we met at a park that day and it was a beautiful day.
We talked for a long time about this journal and the things I had written. There were places she would help me see some benefits or negative consequences where I just could not see them. She told me she was proud of me for really thinking through the options. And she assured me that no matter what decision I made that God would love me through it all.
I think deep down in my heart I knew my answer long before we had this talk and I think she did too. I really wanted her to tell me what I should do but it was very rare for her to give me her opinion about this. She did so well as keeping a middle ground and she was actually Eric's biggest advocate even though he would never understand that. One of the underlying themes in the negative consequences was that I would disappoint God, I would disappoint my kids and I would disappoint her. At this time I felt as if I had disappointed everyone in my life. This feeling was a carry over from my childhood and all through my young adult life to the current time. If I didn't do what was 'right' then I would let them all down because I wasn't strong enough. I am trying to remember the day in this park and parts of it are so clear to me. I remember her telling me that she would not be disappointed in me if I chose to end the relationship and I certainly would not disappoint God in the way I think about it. She said that he already knew what I would choose and already had another plan waiting for me. We prayed about it all again and I went home to think some more. I was really trying to not base my decision solely on emotions.
I have no idea how I was functioning. Well I do know, it was completely God. He was getting me through each and every day! There were days I could not tell you which way I was going. I was not well physically, emotionally or spiritually. I can look back now and say this was when there was a lot of growth in my relationship with God.
I wanted God to tell me what to do loud and clear but that wasn't happening. I was told all about free will. God gave me free will to make decisions on my own. I had to make a decision and I had to trust God would still be there for me no matter what.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Major changes brewing
The remainder of 2009 was simply a horrific roller coaster. We went on a family vacation the end of June and then met up with Eric's family for the last part of the trip. It was so hard to maintain the charade. They knew things weren't great but they had no idea how bad they were. That was our life, we didn't let people in remember? This was so wrong! Looking back now it would have been a good idea even though it would have been ugly, if I would have tried to get Charles to have a talk with us about things. But as it was we just played nice to one another for 10 days! After returning from our trip it was clear to me that serious change needed to occur but I didn't know if I could really face it.
I began talking to Roni, sending her novel sized emails. Churning in my own vortex of completely irrational emotions. One day she said to me that she was done talking to me about Eric. It was time to make a decision. I didn't need anymore books, words, scriptures etc. God had given me everything, it was time to start trusting and taking action. Well this paralyzed me. She came up with a homework assignment that started with writing down what I had learned about God in the last year, his character, his actions, his person? What has God changed/been changing in me over the past year? Little did we know at the time what this homework assignment would help me do. After writing out the answers to these questions and realizing after writing them and reading them just how much I had learned I worked on the second part of the assignment.
Part two was to write about the 3 options I had regarding our relationship. 1. Do nothing, continue on as we had been. 2. Tell him there is nothing to work on and ask him to leave. 3. Tell him how unhappy I was but I would like to work on it on some level. Then I had to analyze each option with what would motivate me to choose them, benefits to choosing each option, negative consequences for each option, what am I afraid of if I choose an option, and what did I hope to happen with each option. All of these were to be answered for myself, Eric and the kids.
This was a tough assignment and took me a long time. It was very emotionally charged and draining. Its emotionally draining just reading through those emails to help me get the fact straight to write this stuff out. So I am going to stop for now and pick it up another day....
I began talking to Roni, sending her novel sized emails. Churning in my own vortex of completely irrational emotions. One day she said to me that she was done talking to me about Eric. It was time to make a decision. I didn't need anymore books, words, scriptures etc. God had given me everything, it was time to start trusting and taking action. Well this paralyzed me. She came up with a homework assignment that started with writing down what I had learned about God in the last year, his character, his actions, his person? What has God changed/been changing in me over the past year? Little did we know at the time what this homework assignment would help me do. After writing out the answers to these questions and realizing after writing them and reading them just how much I had learned I worked on the second part of the assignment.
Part two was to write about the 3 options I had regarding our relationship. 1. Do nothing, continue on as we had been. 2. Tell him there is nothing to work on and ask him to leave. 3. Tell him how unhappy I was but I would like to work on it on some level. Then I had to analyze each option with what would motivate me to choose them, benefits to choosing each option, negative consequences for each option, what am I afraid of if I choose an option, and what did I hope to happen with each option. All of these were to be answered for myself, Eric and the kids.
This was a tough assignment and took me a long time. It was very emotionally charged and draining. Its emotionally draining just reading through those emails to help me get the fact straight to write this stuff out. So I am going to stop for now and pick it up another day....
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A year of changes 2009
After the discussion on New Years Eve with Eric he reluctantly agreed to see a counselor but he kept saying there really was no point. Roni helped me to find the right person. We thought it might be best to have a man, and preferably an African American man. Hoping that this would help Eric a little more and not make him feel out numbered by women. We found this counselor and I made the call. An appointment was set up and I let Eric know when and where to meet me. I am pretty sure I met with Roni prior to the appointment, at least the day before. I know I called her before going in for a little pep talk for sure. I was scared to death to do this, telling people my life was wrong. Telling a professional my life was worse. Up until the appointment time I had no idea if he would show up or not but he did and we met with this man.
Together we met with this man 4 times, I went an additional 2 visits. They did not go well at all. Eric did his usual control the conversation and I would hide in my cave and keep my mouth shut. There was one thing that came out of the 4 visits though. He asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't. He felt like a stranger living in my house. When he stopped coming and I continued I decided that I was ending the relationship and going to ask him to move out. I just didn't know when. This counselor said he couldn't support that and made no offer to continue any sessions. I was fine with that because I didn't want to keep coming anyway. This was sometime around the end of March.
Together we met with this man 4 times, I went an additional 2 visits. They did not go well at all. Eric did his usual control the conversation and I would hide in my cave and keep my mouth shut. There was one thing that came out of the 4 visits though. He asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't. He felt like a stranger living in my house. When he stopped coming and I continued I decided that I was ending the relationship and going to ask him to move out. I just didn't know when. This counselor said he couldn't support that and made no offer to continue any sessions. I was fine with that because I didn't want to keep coming anyway. This was sometime around the end of March.
Remember the conversations I had started with Roni regarding baptism awhile back? Well they came back around again. She said you know if you want to get baptized again then do it, if it will settle something in your mind then do it. I thought about it some more and one day I asked her if she would baptize me again. I wouldn't want anyone else. We continued to talk about it and at first I just wanted it to be me, her and God present. It ended up being 2 friends, Eric and the kids. God works so good because he had been putting one of these friends in my mind that I needed to add her to my circle but I didn't know why. I kept pushing it aside--when will I learn? So finally one day I called her and told her my plans to get baptized again and would like for her to be there. She asked if I knew that she had been baptized twice also? NO! That spurred a long conversation with us and brought us together as friends.
I committed to a new start with God on 6/9/09 !
Friday, April 1, 2011
Changes and anxieties
Towards the end of 2008 it was very evident I was going to have to talk to Eric at some point about our living situation. Our lack of relationship. This brought out an anxiety in me that I had not felt before because I would never face it head on before! I would slip back into denial I suppose and hope things got better on its own so I wouldn't have to say anything at all. Roni had a way of pushing me a little farther out of my comfort zone very gently. We would make a plan for me to talk to Eric and I would panic so we would push out the date a little more until I was a little more prepared. She was also trying to get me to expand my circle of friends within the church because I was really a dot on a line instead of a circle!
Roni would give me 'homework' a little at a time. It could be something like journaling or having me devote so many minutes a day to simply being quiet with God or reading a section of scripture that was pertinent to the moment. But one day she told me I had to find one person besides her and ask them to pray with us. Holy Moly I thought she was insane, she wanted me to do what?! So after my initial panic episode I started thinking about it, who do I talk to already in church but just haven't let into my world? She kept telling me I didn't have to tell them what was going on if I didn't want to, just ask them to pray. God knows the problem, they don't need to necessarily. So I thought of Betty from choir. I also knew her from quilting but it was only surface conversation at this point. Roni thought she was a perfect choice! So one Wednesday at choir I asked her. This particular Wednesday I had planned on talking to Eric after getting home from choir so my anxiety was full tilt with chest pain and all! So the three of us went into a room and Betty knew very little at this point but some things. They prayed for me and by the time we were done and Roni hugged me she said I was shaking and yep I was. I went home and if I remember right the conversation between Eric and I happened. I was asking him to meet with me at a park so we could talk about our current living situation and relationship. The conversations were very one sided usually with him controlling it. That didn't change but I would just end the conversation as quick as I could.
The day came for this meeting with Eric at a park. I had been at church for quilting that morning and Roni came to her office at noon to meet with me for a few minutes before hand. Those few minutes turned into 90minutes! I was curled up on her couch in her office and I was scared to death to do this talk. I can't tell you how many scriptures were read or how long we prayed or talked but she basically walked me to my car and told me to drive to the park and wait for him. I did and he showed up. I told him what I had to say and asked him what his thoughts were. By then end it was stated that something had to end or the current living situation would. I called Roni and I began hearing her when she said--see you did it and survived! God was right there with you! Yes, he was!
New Years Eve Day 2008. Not much had changed by this point and I told him that we needed to go to counseling or we needed to change the living arrangement. The fact that I agreed to professional counseling after Roni talked to me about it for months is huge!
Roni would give me 'homework' a little at a time. It could be something like journaling or having me devote so many minutes a day to simply being quiet with God or reading a section of scripture that was pertinent to the moment. But one day she told me I had to find one person besides her and ask them to pray with us. Holy Moly I thought she was insane, she wanted me to do what?! So after my initial panic episode I started thinking about it, who do I talk to already in church but just haven't let into my world? She kept telling me I didn't have to tell them what was going on if I didn't want to, just ask them to pray. God knows the problem, they don't need to necessarily. So I thought of Betty from choir. I also knew her from quilting but it was only surface conversation at this point. Roni thought she was a perfect choice! So one Wednesday at choir I asked her. This particular Wednesday I had planned on talking to Eric after getting home from choir so my anxiety was full tilt with chest pain and all! So the three of us went into a room and Betty knew very little at this point but some things. They prayed for me and by the time we were done and Roni hugged me she said I was shaking and yep I was. I went home and if I remember right the conversation between Eric and I happened. I was asking him to meet with me at a park so we could talk about our current living situation and relationship. The conversations were very one sided usually with him controlling it. That didn't change but I would just end the conversation as quick as I could.
The day came for this meeting with Eric at a park. I had been at church for quilting that morning and Roni came to her office at noon to meet with me for a few minutes before hand. Those few minutes turned into 90minutes! I was curled up on her couch in her office and I was scared to death to do this talk. I can't tell you how many scriptures were read or how long we prayed or talked but she basically walked me to my car and told me to drive to the park and wait for him. I did and he showed up. I told him what I had to say and asked him what his thoughts were. By then end it was stated that something had to end or the current living situation would. I called Roni and I began hearing her when she said--see you did it and survived! God was right there with you! Yes, he was!
New Years Eve Day 2008. Not much had changed by this point and I told him that we needed to go to counseling or we needed to change the living arrangement. The fact that I agreed to professional counseling after Roni talked to me about it for months is huge!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)