Now, even though I couldn't see it at the time, God was doing things that would help me during this time. He blossomed a friendship between me and two really neat people who had children close to the age of mine. The kids were buddies from Sunday school and all of us went to a pumpkin patch and that began a wonderful friendship. More on this to come.
Well the evening I told Eric he needed to move out began a very long night of 'talks'. I put that in quotations because that's a loose description of what happened. He left the house for a while and I took my computer and went upstairs to my room. I remember seeing Roni on facebook and telling her quickly what had just happened and how scared I had been that I was about to get hit. She talked with me for a while and then Eric came home and came upstairs. I got off the computer and he started talking.
He proceeded to tell me that he knew what the problem was in our relationship. I was the problem, it was me and all my affairs I had been having! I said that was news to me and could he please tell me when I had time to have an affair? And he said affairs so does he mean to tell me I've had multiple? He said yes, its quite obvious! I simply said well if you accuse then that usually means you have a guilty conscience. I told him I had never had an affair. I had never even been out on a date with anyone else since the day I met him. I asked could he say the same thing? NO, he could not. I said you are right and there is someone right now isn't there? He said yes he had a 'friend'. I said, yes I know. I'm not dumb and I had it figured out a while ago but that's okay because that was not the reason I made my decision. We 'talked' for awhile that night and I left it that I could no longer do anything to help this relationship. I could not do it alone and he was not willing to work on things with me. He proceeded to tell me that he might have 5% of the blame in the demise of the relationship but otherwise it was all my fault we didn't make it. After some silence he left the room and went downstairs again.
The next day I went to church and I found Roni between services and we sat down to talk in the cafe. We talked all through the entire next service. I told her everything from the night before. I think this was the first time she actually saw me cry. Before we finished she pulled her chair a little closer to mine and she held my hands and she prayed over me. The tears just fell. I felt so defeated and completely hollow. Its a time that when I think back now, I wonder how in the world I was walking around, there is so much I do not remember.
The next few weeks were so hard even though the hard part was over. He kept trying to communicate in anyway he could but I was done, I could do no more. I simply wanted him to leave so we could get on with life. About mid November we were home together and I was cleaning as usual to avoid him. He started to help and that just made me that much more irritated! Prior to this day I had been separating out my laundry from his and only doing mine and the kids and he would eventually do his own but he didn't really pay attention that that was what I was doing. Well this particular day it occurred to him and he came downstairs and asked me in a very loud irritated tone was I separating laundry? I said yes, I had been for a while. He could do his own. I was tired of doing everything, so he could do his own. This fired him up and he kept asking questions one right after the other. I told him not to do this in front of the kids and I was ignoring him. I asked was he really going to do this in front of the kids? He kept going, so I told him to take it upstairs away from the kids.
We went upstairs and he kept at it and I told him flat out I wanted him to move out. This relationship was over, I didn't want him living here any longer, I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy so why keep going? He said he wasn't leaving his kids and I told him he wasn't, he just wasn't living with us. He said he was going to tell the kids then that their mother didn't want their dad to live with them. I told him that I think we should tell them when he finds a place of his own, why make them worry unnecessarily? He said too bad, you want to kick me out they are going to know the truth. He marched downstairs and told the kids to sit down on the couch. He sat between them and I was directly across from them. He told them that he came here to be with the family and he loved them very much. The he said to them that I wasn't happy and therefore I told him to move out. They both were screaming and poor Elijah was gagging he was crying so hard. They were yelling at me asking me why did I hate their Daddy? I have never hated anyone as much as I did him at that moment! A little later he left with the kids to go to the store for somethings. I fired off emails to Roni and called her at home and her cell both without an answer.
I left the house and drove around not knowing where I was going. I ended up sitting in a parking lot near the mall. I called Roni again and this time she answered. She immediately asked what's wrong? I told her as I was sobbing on the phone to her. We talked for a little while and she told me I had to go home. I could not sit in the parking lot, I needed to be home for the kids when they came home. Never in my life had I hurt so badly than when I heard my kids ask me why I didn't love their Daddy and why did I make him move out or why didn't I move out if I was so unhappy? All these things were things they had heard from him in his anger. I knew this but it still hurt me so incredibly much.
The next few weeks were so hard on all of us. I was constantly talking to Roni either by email, facebook, phone or in person and the kids started talking to the Bittner crew.
Life was about to get very unsettled!
No comments:
Post a Comment