Major changes brewing

The remainder of 2009 was simply a horrific roller coaster. We went on a family vacation the end of June and then met up with Eric's family for the last part of the trip. It was so hard to maintain the charade. They knew things weren't great but they had no idea how bad they were. That was our life, we didn't let people in remember? This was so wrong! Looking back now it would have been a good idea even though it would have been ugly, if I would have tried to get Charles to have a talk with us about things. But as it was we just played nice to one another for 10 days! After returning from our trip it was clear to me that serious change needed to occur but I didn't know if I could really face it.

I began talking to Roni, sending her novel sized emails. Churning in my own vortex of completely irrational emotions. One day she said to me that she was done talking to me about Eric. It was time to make a decision. I didn't need anymore books, words, scriptures etc. God had given me everything, it was time to start trusting and taking action. Well this paralyzed me. She came up with a homework assignment that started with writing down what I had learned about God in the last year, his character, his actions, his person? What has God changed/been changing in me over the past year? Little did we know at the time what this homework assignment would help me do. After writing out the answers to these questions and realizing after writing them and reading them just how much I had learned I worked on the second part of the assignment.

Part two was to write about the 3 options I had regarding our relationship. 1. Do nothing, continue on as we had been. 2. Tell him there is nothing to work on and ask him to leave. 3. Tell him how unhappy I was but I would like to work on it on some level. Then I had to analyze each option with what would motivate me to choose them, benefits to choosing each option, negative consequences for each option, what am I afraid of if I choose an option, and what did I hope to happen with each option. All of these were to be answered for myself, Eric and the kids.

This was a tough assignment and took me a long time. It was very emotionally charged and draining. Its emotionally draining just reading through those emails to help me get the fact straight to write this stuff out. So I am going to stop for now and pick it up another day....