My Decision

Roni and I talked about how I needed to let Eric know what I have been thinking. I had to tell him about the 'options' I had been contemplating and focusing on for so long. My anxiety about got the best of me. I had no idea I had anxiety so bad until all of this started. There were things surfacing from inside of me that had been buried deep I suppose.

I wrote an email to Eric but knew that I couldn't send it, it had to be spoken words from me to him. So after a while I asked him to give me some time to talk to him. It wasn't really a talk. I read the email to him, that's the only way I could get through it. I asked him not to speak until I was done and then we would talk. He didn't interrupt but when I was done he said that he didn't hear me say what I wanted! I said I wanted him to think about the three options because something had to change. He felt there was no option, I already knew what I was going to do so what was the point. I tried to tell him it did matter what he felt but he wouldn't hear me.

His way of dealing with things is to hear it, get mad, get quiet for a few days and then re-visit the conversation again. So Roni said to wait it out now, see what he does. There was quiet and there were a few emails between me and Eric. In the end he didn't address the options. I knew what had to be done. I had to decide for the two of us and I really wanted to include him in the decision making of this. I really did.

I told Roni I had made my decision and I just could not continue on this road with Eric. I could not continue the relationship or living arrangement any longer. She said that was okay. God knew what I would choose before I ever got to this point and he would still love me through it all. She explained that sometimes God gives us things to do that sometimes we just can't do but he knows that. He would not give up on me. I was relieved to have made a decision in my mind but I was also so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't strong enough to keep going. To put forth more of an effort, to fight for our relationship. But I felt the relationship was never really there.

I knew what I had to do next. I had to tell Eric my decision. Fear is not a strong enough word. Last time I felt I could do no more, I simply walked out on him. This time I had to be the adult in the situation. I had to discuss it with him. So one evening in late October I was at the table and he was in the living room. I asked had he thought of the email any further? He replied he had not there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him then he left me no other option but to decide for the both of us and I decided that I could not go on any further with this arrangement. He would need to move out and we continue on as the divorced parents we are to our children. Never in the 11 years that I had known him did I ever feel that he would ever hit me physically until this night. He came around the corner at me and had his finger in my face yelling and screaming that I would not do this to him again. I froze and could not move, if he was going to hit me it would have very easy for him to do so.

This was the beginning of many more discussions.