The Journal

This last assignment from Roni really was a God thing. She had no idea what it was going to do for me but she said the idea came to her for some reason and so I went with it. It was so hard to get started on it but once I did the thoughts would come out of my mind and onto paper. I wrote down things that I had learned about God in the past year. Things like I could trust him, he did love me, he would listen to me when I pray, he would talk to me, he guided me when I didn't think he was. He was all around me. That wouldn't change.

At one point I couldn't get past my own emotions to think openly about the option of trying to work on the relationship. I could not find the motivation to try, I could not see the benefits or what I hoped would come of it. I was able to list all the negative consequences to trying. So on my own before I gave the journal to Roni, I took some time and I prayed to God to help me think clearly on this, take out my emotions from it so I could give this option as fair a shot as I could. And I started over on that section, answering the questions again and not allowing myself to look at the previous answers I had written.

I'm not sure how long I worked on this particular assignment but I put a lot of thought and heart into it. When I was finished and I handed it over to Roni. I remember it felt odd handing over a hand written journal to her when we had used email primarily before between our meetings. Hand written is just so much more personal or something. I don't know exactly but it was a different feeling. After she had time to read over it, we set up a time to meet. I remember we met at a park that day and it was a beautiful day.

We talked for a long time about this journal and the things I had written. There were places she would help me see some benefits or negative consequences where I just could not see them. She told me she was proud of me for really thinking through the options. And she assured me that no matter what decision I made that God would love me through it all.

I think deep down in my heart I knew my answer long before we had this talk and I think she did too. I really wanted her to tell me what I should do but it was very rare for her to give me her opinion about this. She did so well as keeping a middle ground and she was actually Eric's biggest advocate even though he would never understand that. One of the underlying themes in the negative consequences was that I would disappoint God, I would disappoint my kids and I would disappoint her. At this time I felt as if I had disappointed everyone in my life. This feeling was a carry over from my childhood and all through my young adult life to the current time. If I didn't do what was 'right' then I would let them all down because I wasn't strong enough. I am trying to remember the day in this park and parts of it are so clear to me. I remember her telling me that she would not be disappointed in me if I chose to end the relationship and I certainly would not disappoint God in the way I think about it. She said that he already knew what I would choose and already had another plan waiting for me. We prayed about it all again and I went home to think some more. I was really trying to not base my decision solely on emotions.

I have no idea how I was functioning. Well I do know, it was completely God. He was getting me through each and every day! There were days I could not tell you which way I was going. I was not well physically, emotionally or spiritually. I can look back now and say this was when there was a lot of growth in my relationship with God.



I wanted God to tell me what to do loud and clear but that wasn't happening. I was told all about free will. God gave me free will to make decisions on my own. I had to make a decision and I had to trust God would still be there for me no matter what.