Numb

I think that word 'numb' pretty much sums it all up! I was numb at this point. I told him to move out, told the kids I was making him move out because I wasn't happy. He was making me out to be the bad guy 100%! He was telling the kids how much I hated him, I didn't love him, he didn't have anywhere to go etc. So because of those words to them they would come to be with all the 'why' questions!

why didn't I want their Daddy to live with us?
why didn't I love him?
why did I hate him?
If I was so unhappy then why don't I move out and let Daddy stay?
     yep that one stung a lot!

Everyday there were tears. Bedtime tears, school tears, homework tears--all the time! I was doing my best to continue to function but I honestly cannot remember coming or going most days. There were so many emails to Roni, so many phone calls, lots of prayers together just to get through until he finally did move out.

He would not give me a date that he was leaving, it was always "I don't know, when I get the place ready". Well, there were many days he would stay gone until late at night then come in long after the kids and I were in the bed. Our only communication was through email or text. Emails often went unanswered for a couple of days. There was zero conversation between us verbally. One night he just didn't come home. I didn't know if he was on the side of the road, if he was with his friend or what! I did care because of the kids. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. Turns out he was with his friend or so he says. When I came home that evening he finally came in late again. I told him he needed to leave because I wasn't going to be the one to keep explaining to the kids why he wasn't home in the mornings when they expected him to be. He got mad again saying he was doing it slowly so not to disrupt the kids! I told him he did that by the way he told them he was moving out. He needed to finish packing and leave.

I believe he was gone the next day when I came home from work.

Throughout all of this my anxiety was hitting an all time high complete with chest pain, palpitations, and shortness of breath. So many times I would hear Roni say to me-calm down and watch. The anxiety was not good for me but its not ever a good thing is it?

December 14th 2009--the day he was officially out of my house.
Yes 2 weeks before Christmas. I was so worried how that would affect the kids. I kept thinking should I let him stay until after the 1st of the year? But then there is always something coming up so I resigned to the fact that no matter when it happened it would just be bad. It was.

Oh it was heart wrenching to let them go to him to stay overnight. They had never really been away from me. It started as one night, then two nights then three nights. It killed me! I cried and cried so many nights because the fear I had inside of me from when I left Texas came flooding back in again. What if he ran off with the kids???? What if he......??? What if he...??? These made me insane! I closed myself off to everyone except Roni. I wouldn't leave my house for anything except work and church. There were times when I couldn't even do either of those and I would stay in bed or on the couch. Remember my friends that God brought into my life-the couple? Robb and Sandy. They were and are such great friends. They tried to get me to do things with them as often as possible. Our friendship was new, only a few months old at this time. They didn't know a lot but knew enough. And they cared. If I wasn't at church they called, if I was supposed to meet them but didn't they'd call or come to my house. I didn't know how to accept this friendship from them. It was all so foreign to me, it had been so long since I had a friend who acted this way with me.

We made it through Christmas 2009 and on toward New Year's Day! I couldn't wait for January to roll around. December was always a very tough month for me emotionally and now all of this on top of what was stored inside of me from my past. Not a good combination!